Ocean's in our home country. He went over a week ago, to hang out with one of his best friends who was home for the holidays. We have other friends getting married there in a fortnight, and instead of flying back and forth, he decided to work from there for a few weeks. So I've been home alone! It's really wonderful. I've had some quite dark patches, but all good shadows to work through.
Haven't seen too much of Grotto. I caught up with him on Monday, and again today. Things are really good between us. He's working through his shit. We're communicating better. Still has potentialy for volatility, but it seems to be settling down.
I went for a swim yesterday, and a run today. It's been an age since I made time for those things. I do a lot of walking about in my daily life, and sex is good exercise, but there's nothing like repetitive foot falls or swim strokes to centre the mind.
Lobe's visiting me next weekend! There's some chance Grotto will be away, but if not, there may be a three-of-us catching up thing. A big topic that we Need to talk about Before we have any (more (yeah)
) Accidents is: kids. Not sure it'll be the right time for that discussion, but it has to happen at some point.
Both Grotto and I underestimated how much work we'd have to do, to keep our shit together through all of this. Got more of a sense of things now. Slower. Pacing. Enough time to talk, touch, reassure, play. Space. Softness. Speaking up earlier rather than later. Pre-emptive, erring on the side of sharing.
Grotto's forming a game plan for talking with one of his close friends (a mutual friend of Lobe and Grotto's) about what's been going on. He wants to do this for various reasons. This friend currently lives in the same city as us, but is shifting cities soon to move in with
Lobe. This somewhat increases the complications of the "where to live" question, because Lobe won't be free to relocate for at least a year. But, more pressingly, it will mean the cat will be out of the bag anyway, if I visit Lobe after this friend moves up (unless we sneak about, which Grotto wouldn't want, and - obviously - neither would Lobe or I.)
Grotto also wants to do it so he can move past this stage. Being open with his friends about the Lobe situation has been freaking him out quite a bit. A few friends know, but not the very inner circle yet. Last weekend, Grotto had a particularly bad time with one friend who scratched open the scars, made him revisit the hurt feelings and such. Some of the bruising is still tender... but we're mending.
One thing that apparently helped was me saying to Grotto that we couldn't go back, only forwards. But we did have a choice in how we went forwards. This inspired him do some thinking about how he wanted things to be. He has a lot of love for both me and Lobe, but he oscillates between feeling generous and caring towards us, to feeling fearful and selfish. I think that's normal... life's always a bit like that. Just sometimes big shakes can make us cycle faster or more violently, I think.
Anyway. Unless I royally fuck this up, I think the worst of it's over