I'm deriving much comfort from this blog again.
I attempted to save it all on my computer as I was going to delete it. Then I had a crisis about it disappearing and now I think I'm at a place where I don't care. I just keep thinking of stuff to write and stuff to let go by doing so.
I miss Brad. He's gone on holiday. Its made me realize how much he is part of my life. Brad has always meant a lot to me from day one. Now more than ever since our break up. Our relationship is more dedicated and solid than it ever was before when our relationship was complicated with terms like boyfriend/girlfriend. We know we will be close for a long time and that is all that matters to either of us.
How did we get there? A lot of fighting it out. At first we were silently awkward with each other and then, over time and his persistence, he became my number one support with my Mono struggles. Every moment I cried, ranted, broke down, pulled my hair out, he was there loving me and holding me up. There was more than one time he carried me through by standing by in calm, unjudgemental yet honest patience. He has seen me at my very worst and is still around.
We fought out our new relationship dynamic and came to new agreements of boundaries and discussed at length our values and ultimate goals in life and poly. Over the summer we decided that no one would come between what we have regardless of their description or what happens in our lives. I intend to hold that agreement. I think he does too.
Over the space of the last 8 months it became obvious that it was his turn to need support.
Our huge similarities in our emotional selves made it easy to relate to each other when we talked. My experience over the last six years or so helped I think. His take on my experience was just as helpful to me as we compared our lives and situations. Agreeing to disagree and bonding over agreeing at the same time has made him become a close relationship.
The time between summer and winter has been my time to give back. It continues to be. I have found that its my time to hold him up sometimes. To be the quiet, unjudgemental, solid rock he needs.
I miss him. I realize how I have neglected other relationships because of his constant existence in my life and value this time to do my own thing.... find my friends. Find others who I have common understanding with. He said once that I am complex but not complicated. He has taken the time to unravel who I am and I am forever bound to him for that. So rare in my life. I am grateful and blessed.
Poly to me seems fraught with over layering of glee and then despair. In my experience it tore me apart as a person and partner who is willing to create depth and closeness with anyone as a result. The complication is absolutely not for someone who has deep emotions such as myself in my opinion. Its allure is tempting because it offers extreme heights of positive emotion... at first. After a time I have noticed with myself and others that a "little devil" comes out from somewhere and systematically breaks down everything that has been built up. The choices seem to be to let that happen or to continue on half in and half out of all relationships. Including the self.
For whatever reason I had no choice, in my mind, than to let the "little devil" create the biggest change in my life... Half relationships were not an option.
I am not everyone and I know people do what they are going to do so I'm not attempting to preach, but if I were to do it all again I would not be so cocky, arrogant and smug to think that having a bunch of partners is the most love I could ever have. It isn't. THE MOST LOVE IS SELF LOVE and I found that reflected in the eyes of someone willing to take my pain, fear and extensive misplaced love and mirrors it back to me by being real, honest to the point of bluntness and still risking my walking out on him. Brad did this for me. He did it for him. We are forever changed.