Originally Posted by scarletzinnia
It isn't intrinsically better for anyone. But it's better for women like the OP, who was upset enough by this very thing to create this thread. It would have been better for my friend's girlfriend, who was terribly upset by her "idiot." And I know it's better for me personally.
Some of us are emotionally wired so that getting naked makes us more emotionally vulnerable. We don't want to go into sexual situations with people who will treat us callously or cruelly, because being naked and vulnerable with them will give them more power to hurt us than if all we'd done was talk.
Others, clearly some of the posters here, are not wired that way, which gives them the ability to shrug off a one-night stand gone wrong and not give it another thought. Good for you all, but we don't all have that ability.
Originally Posted by LoveBunny
I don't think anybody here was "slut-shaming" in the least. If you're going to have sex on the first date then get upset because the person you did it with doesn't call again, why do it to yourself? Waiting a bit before having sex doesn't make you any less sex-positive or gender-equal. If anyone here is "slut-shaming," others can be said to be "prude-shaming."
The OP behaved appropriately given her beliefs at the moment about herself and the guy she was with. Maybe she misjudged the guy, or perhaps he overestimated his level of interest in her. Would waiting a bit before introducing sex have alleviated some of the OP's confusion and pain? Who knows. Maybe after a second date, she would've picked up cues that he wasn't looking for more than a fling, or she might have felt more comfortable expressing her expectations. Or maybe he's the kind of guy who can spend weeks seducing someone just to dump them. There's no double-standard--women can and do behave this way too.
There's nothing wrong with admitting that the "soul" gets involved for some of us during sex. I know sometimes, sex is strictly a physiological, physical thing, fun, a way to blow of steam. But sex is also, for me, a profoundly vulnerable moment, and, boy, I do not hold back in bed. My wide-openess to the other person assures that for me, having sex WILL change things for me. Knowing this about myself is a good thing for everyone involved.
Don't sweat it, @LadyLigeia, I'd have felt hurt too. I hate rejection. Chin up.
Ok, I realize you likely did not mean to do so, but I read this as saying that those of us who are ok with sex on the first date are emotionally not as evolved or as sensitive as those who don't fuck right away. Women who fuck sooner are not soul-less or value their soul less.
Can we (addressed to everyone) please stop with the false dichotomies? Women who don't fuck right away are not repressed. Women who do are not emotionally less sensitive.
I care about everyone I've had sex with. Even if I did not know their name. Does the level of caring change if they are a long term partner, a FWB, a one night stand? Yes, but I still care. I am still open and vulnerable. Sex makes everyone vulnerable.
I am so sorry, scarletzinnia, that your friend had a terrible experience with that asshole. She did not deserve that and his actions have no excuse.
But - and bear with me, this is going to be hard to take - she made a decision to let his opinion of her impact her life and her ideas about herself. He did not make her dress less sexy or not date for a while. She chose to do that to herself.
My woo-woo friends would say she 'gave away her power'. They have a point. We cannot control what others do or say. We cannot control other people's feelings nor can we really control what we feel. What we can control is our reactions and our actions. Your friend decided, however unconsciously, that an asshole's opinion of her mattered more than her own. She decided to let his self-loathing (for that is often where this behavior originates) affect her.
It is not easy to decide not to let other's opinions, actions, feelings impact how we feel about ourselves. It's hard. She has every right to feel upset, angry, used, and so on. I would have been terribly angry and hurt too! But it is possible to consciously decide not to change in response to other people's dysfunctional attitudes.
If waiting to have sex helps filters work better, then that makes sense. But it shouldn't substitute for developing good filters. I don't need a long time to figure out if someone is a decent person or someone I don't want to be around. Partly that's experience, partly it's because I listen to my inner voice, and partly it's because I have good filters.
And no one said to just suck it up and not feel hurt. Everyone hates being rejected. That's pretty much universal.