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Old 01-17-2014, 04:16 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post

I can't figure out why you are upset about Ginger dating more people. I can tell you are certainly upset but I can't figure out why. This is NOT to say you shouldn't be upset or feel what you feel - just I don't have a handle on what the underlying issues are. Of course, you may have chosen not to write about exactly why this disturbs you so.
Hi, Opal, thanks for asking. I thought I'd been obsessing here about the whys and not just the whats I am feeling, but maybe not.

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Are you worried about less time? Less attention?
No, I feel like I am getting similar amounts of time and attention.

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Feel less special?
Yes, definitely. That is why I said, sister-wife, just one more hole to fuck, one more spoke on a wheel.

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Worried about Ginger's ability to manage all his connections?
Yes, and I think I am a bit triggered, going back to when my ex h and I first opened our marriage in 1999! I hate to say this, but I think it's a gender thing. miss p has only dated men since we met, and generally, if she is attracted to a woman, she goes for skinny young butches. So, I don't feel in competition with that. Ginger seems to go for women more like me, full figured older hippie types.

And, sometimes Ginger doesn't help me feel secure. I think it's partly the Asperger's. Like the other day when he got here and I expressed upset at a tactless thing he'd said. His van has had an issue and he'd been working on it, and he said he'd be happy to drive it over to my place, as a test, since he'd have to be driving it to Boston to see Buddhist on Sunday. I didn't like feeling like a "test" for his later date. First he laughed at me. Then he called me silly. This is just an example of our communication disconnect. I told him, "It's not funny, and please don't call me silly."

Love languages. I am across the board, no one language is more important than another. Ginger thinks its all hogwash, but his love languages are touch (sex and cuddles), and acts of service. He doesn't say I love you, and he is opposed to gift giving. So, I don't get those reassurances.

Also, as I've said, all this comes on top of him being in a sexual relationship with miss pixi. I didn't set out to have a triad. While I do feel compersion for the 2 of them, I still struggle with sharing time and affection. It just complicates things. We JUST had a 3way sex share that I did not feel upset about after the fact. Finally. And then he imm. makes a date with new girl, and bam, complications again.

I mean, I feel he's polysaturated. Even if he doesn't. Kinda like when my ex h had me and his gf. He's having a great time, feeling all studly: "Ladies, ladies! Wait your turn, there's plenty of me to go around!" Um, no, there really isn't, mister. You're feeling so good in the crotch, all the fun oxytocin, you're missing out on the subtle or not so subtle signs all your partners ain't as happy as and content as you are.

Then add in stressors unrelated to poly: new house in a new area of the state, getting used to living with miss p full time (and that is working out very well, but even good changes are stressful), new jobs for both of us, Ginger becoming almost deathly ill with the tick borne disease in the late summer, and most recently, the Xmas basement flood, workmen tromping through the house... Even major snowstorms and near record cold weather.

I just want things to slow down and be peaceful and stable for a while! Maybe I am getting old and it's harder for me to adapt to new things. Also, I guess I thought once miss p and I were here in the next down, Ginger would be happy to have me/us closeby and we'd be a nice tidy unit. No more of those long drives! ( me to see miss p, Ginger driving to see me). Instead, he takes up with women 20-30 miles away almost as soon as we were moved in.

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I *so* understand being upset and angry about changes with partners - been there, done that, still there some days.

Regardless, hugs and support.
Thanks very much! I am uneasy but not as downright depressed as a week ago. I've been keeping up with work, housework, exercise and other self care. I try to balance obsessing and worrying with doing things that are distracting and pleasant, to give my brain a break.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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