Re (from wonderwoman
"I feel like what I'm after seems a bit unfair (me with an extra lover, them with just me) but on the flip side of the coin I've been told I'm quite a handful -- maybe each guy could give the other a break!"
Maybe so. It really depends on the individuals involved. Some people are very attached and need as much of their romantic partner's time/energy as possible. Personally, I'm a guy who likes a lot of "me time," and I don't feel any great loss when Snowbunny and Brother-Husband are off doing something together. I believe that Brother-Husband is of a similar mind, but I hesitate a little to speak for him.
I even like the nights when I sleep alone, if you can believe that. Well, except the cat, who is usually my "bed buddy," which I love. But I just like the extra "independence," if that makes any sense. More freedom to turn in and get up whenever, not feeling obligated to be in bed when Snowbunny is, no worries about being polite and maintaining some sort of bodily contact during the night, etc.
All I mean by all of this is that sleeping by myself, for me, is an analogy of any of the time that Snowbunny spends away from me. Whereas it used to be a problem in our early years together, for many years now I've quite enjoyed the independence that sharing Snowbunny with a "second husband" affords me.
I just think that every person is highly unique and has their own set of needs, gifts, strengths, and weaknesses. Every successful relationship will be tailored around the unique needs of the people in it, and what looks totally crazy/selfish/dysfunctional to an outsider, might work perfectly well for the people in the relationship.
So don't worry too much about how it might look to others, and don't second-guess yourself too much. Just follow your heart and have the patience necessary to see your dreams through to their fulfillment.