Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion
And because I donít want to make it into a self-fulfilling prophecy where I say whatever is needed for her to reject me in a way that would make my worst fears come true.
And this is where being so finely attuned to my partner also seems to have turned around to bite me in the ass. Sourgirl told me many moons ago that eventually Iíd get sick of myself, and it seems to have happened...finally. A lot longer that it should have been...apparently Iím way too tolerant, even for my own good. I reached the tipping point a while before Christmas, after my wifeís latest round of self-improvement. She encouraged me to do the same program and give it a try to find my way out of my funk. I thought about it, but I didnít like the cost, so I was thinking of half-measures and excuses to avoid having to actually drink the Kool-Aid. But in the meantime, I was also drawing myself down, as bad as ever...the kind of behavior she was sick of, I seemed to be doing it more...and somewhat intentionally, although I couldnít explain to myself why?! Could it be the attunment was kicking in? That I was doing exactly what she hated. Subconsciously driving her to leave me as part of me might think I deserved? Or deserved or not, perhaps I thought she needed an excuse to do what she wanted and bail?
Part of me wanted to blame the bf. After all, shouldnít it be his fault that my wife isnít happy with me anymore? I donít want to say that her changes have been caused directly by him, but thereís a strong correlation, since theyíve been doing many of the same activities together. More directly though, he doesnít appear to have these self-deprecating habits. So is it perhaps that my wife is comparing me to him, and is now not satisfied with me, having been with someone who doesnít have these issues? That was a shitty thought of mine wasnít it? Sheís not supposed to compare!
Yeah, that train of thought ran its course for about a day. In reality, I will probably thank
Back to the attunment: if I am sick of myself, then of course she will be as well! If Iím picking up on her frustration and subconsciously doing things that add to it, then of course itís going to build up the pressure. And then when the break happened with her bf, and there was no longer a distraction to keep a lid on things, the pressure released, and everything boiled over in decidedly my direction, and rightly so.
Once we were able to sort out the mess a little, we have been able to have some calmish and rational conversations around it. As calm as conversations can be when I start out with ďI feel like aĒ and she finishes with ďpaycheckĒ...thatís attunment for ya. Theyíre still extremely uncomfortable for me, because I feel as though Iím on the spot to make some significant changes to my character to avoid the worst case scenario. And not having an end state, I donít yet have any concrete goals to set for myself to ensure I can fix the problem.
On the upshot, thereís not as much work to do as maybe originally thought. Or maybe itís worse. Too early to tell. I have let myself slide in many ways for several years, and last year I was in neutral for all of it...which surprise surprise, hit me right before xmas. Iím not in fighting trim right now, and havenít for a while, although Iím not in the worst shape Iíve ever been either. The self-deprecation...I donít think is as deeply rooted as I might lead people to believe. Itís not so much a core value as a faÁade. Apparently a bit too convincing. Thatís what I get for too much role-playing I guess.
There is something about me thatís broken. But Iím still trying to decide what. My wife was able to help me identify a nexus point, around 2010, which coincided with a particularly rough period at work. The place I was working at was a truly unpleasant experience, and it seems I may have become a little too bitter, twisted and jaded as a result...with a dash of whiny-bitch thrown in for good measure. It occurs to me that this was also around the time when aspects of my relationship with my gf at the time changed to something that was never fully recovered. Could the same thing happen with my wife? Ack!
To some extent, I really donít have time to care. I feel that I need to do something and quick. Iím supposed to be a man of action after all, so time to man up and take action. A friend of mine suggested a possible issue that could be worked on and suggested a book to assist. I was off the phone for an hour and I headed out to find a copy. Action
I also went ahead and drank the Koolaid. As I am writing this, Iím in day 5, part of the ďKill All the ThingsĒ phase. Action
. Yesterday I could have stabbed the cook with a serving tray with the thin bit until the blood flooooows just for not getting me something out of the sandwich bar. Probably not the best time to be doing blogging and relationship processing, so this entire post can be taken with a grain of salt...or a whole salt lick, horsey style if needs be. But no more half-measures. No more excuses. No more whining
...within reason, or unless thereís cheese. My waking moments now are far more occupied now in consciously making the decisions that should take me to a better place, health, wealth and mentally. Changing my focus from the problems, to identifying and implementing solutions. Still tricksie without a roadmap to go by...but the immediate premise is that thereís probably nowhere to go but up.
Thereís a nagging but-face in here though. Once upon a time, the self-deprecation was a part of the guy that my wife dated, and married. Somewhere along the line it changed from a truth-ish thing, to a faÁade, although I donít recon I know when that actually happened (Pre-post marriage, pre-post career change?). Past-me was who she originally fell in love with. What I present at home now, is very different from the person I am at work. Home-me, is an echo of past-me. Work has been a major instrument in my changes over the last 10 years. Work-me doesnít have these kinds of problems. Work-me gets shit done. Action
. Work-me, is not always a pleasant individual, and not something Iíve been keen to bring home. Parts of Work-me seem to be what she wants, despite my warnings that thereís other side-effects that come with it. Sheís supported me in me doing my job, but sheís never liked it, or some of the changes in me that she did notice in the past. So now I wonder, if I lift the veil of the self-deprecation, will she actually still be able to love the man Iíve become? Can she actually still love who I really am?
Insert appropriate Dorian Gray allusion here.
That more than anything right now, scares the living bejesus out of me...and since I almost threw up when I read her last message to me about this subject on FB. (the letter itself triggered me as eerily similar to something I received from a friend a while back (mentioned a couple posts back) where the friend threw our 20 year friendship under the bus!), I doubt Iíll be getting much sleep tonight.
This is my shit, to own and to deal with. I might have others to thank in terms of kicking my ass into a proper gear to start the actual doing, rather than the sitting, moping, and yapping. Thereís still time, weíre not off the rails yet, but sheís too important to me to let things slide any further. Sheís done the hard thing, being honest with me about some very unpleasant thoughts sheís been having towards me. I must also do the hard things, to make sure they donít persist, to do a make and mend on myself, and hopefully find and shape someone that we can both like hanging around with a bit more.
Also a side note to anyone thinking about sniffing around for opportunities in the wake of this disturbance...itís a little too early for grave dancing, so mind your manners. I donít know how long day 5 will actually last.