And thereís the other shoe!
I am aware that I donít update this nearly as often as I should. Thereís about 2 or 3 sub-stories that could be told over the last several months, but instead thereís going to be a gross oversimplification of the smooth parts, with a headlong dashing of grey matter against the rough mountain sized molehill that seems to have snuck up on me...in that sneaky way that a bulldozer is capable of.
In the couple months after the last post, I had started to relax, and become more comfortable with the new status quo. It was apparent that my wife wasnít going anywhere, so I had allowed blood to return to my knuckles and returned to mostly familiar patterns. I recently went on a business trip as well, which turned out very well for me while I was away. The processing that went on at home before during and after was almost painless this time around. Things had apparently come a long way since the last time I visited that particular town.
And then things rattled apart again, but with unexpected consequences. Time with her bf has unexpectedly come to a long pause for other reasons that I donít need to go into here. So I was standing by to assist with the fallout, and support her as best I could...and instead I found out that she not only didnít need my support (fair enough), but didnít want it, or me, ...at all. At least it appears, not as I am now.
Weíve always been quite dedicated to each other, and one key element of our style together that Iíve noted differs from other people Iíve known, is that we never talk about splitting up as a solution to our problems. Itís never a suggestion even in the heat of the moment. Any solution brought up during the worst knock down drag out conflict always is based on the premise that we are together on the other side of it. Now this didnít change in our latest round of discussions, but as my wife came out of her processing period recently and was finally able to tell me that her massive upset in the wake of her current breakup wasnít the bf, it was me. It wasnít from anger, or an ultimatum, but the discussion did shape a course around to the direction of meta-type discussions of what if, and divorce came up in the process as a possible long term result. Weíve joked about divorce before, between us, as something all the cool kids were doing when we moved cities a decade ago. But this is the first time that the spectre of a breaking point seemed like a very real possibility.
It was like a sucker punch to the gut, and now for the first time I feel like Iím on really unsteady ground in our marriage. That perhaps my Mom could be right. That I have unintentionally engineered my own destruction by getting exactly what I wanted... possibly with the additional bonus of what I deserved. Chain me gently with a fuck-saw.
Iíve had a long standing tendency towards self-deprecating humour, for as long as I can remember. Iím sure this would come as a massive shock to anyone familiar with this blog, or me. My wife always knew this about me, and tolerated it for the most part, I was fully aware it wasnít her favorite trait of mine. The problem with self-deprecation is that carry it on too long, or too effectively, and perhaps youíll convince others that youíre right...or at the very least, drive them to be too fatigued to argue anymore.
Iíve posted before with regards to my wife, and exactly what kind of excellent person she is. It recent months sheís undergone some remarkable changes, some intentional, some as a happy side-effect. Most importantly, her view of herself has finally caught up with her actual awesomeness! This is a truly wonderful moment, as itís not seen nearly often enough in todayís world of media bombardment and constant mixed messaging. But now of course, it makes her far less tolerate of my tendency to bash myself.