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Old 01-16-2014, 01:30 PM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

fuchka, thank you! What you write about Alec is true. I am proud of us both how far we've come with communication, both individually and together. It's even more now that we're breaking up: for a long time we've both avoided focusing on our incompatibilities, and now they're all surfacing a lot more. We've of course had to manage them as relationship issues before, but now that we've accepted the fact that we just won't work as partners, we're both expressing the things that bother us more honestly. The negotiation around his gender-related jealousy is something we've had to do, and we've managed so far... But also it hasn't been a concrete issue all that many times. But, just yesterday we had a talk around it which made me kind of glad that we're breaking up. There's the fundamental difference between how we approach jealousy. He is willing to work on his feelings to some extent, and he's had to do it with poly. But when he feels bad enough, he feels it's something I should care about and change my behaviour based on that. I can understand that, and I have also conceded to that in some specific instances and will continue for a little while to do so. But I also resent it. It makes me angry, I feel restricted and unfree and that's just not what I want.

I think for me, regarding whom I feel comfortable having sex with, there are aspects which have to do with their gender and orientation (and mine respectively - how well we fit together) and then there's stuff that isn't covered by it. I think it works best when our genders and orientations match reasonably well (some common ground) and when their mindset about these things and sex in general is quite queer. I guess, the more queer the other person, the more leeway there is in the other aspect. I think there are a lot more not-men than men in the pool of comfortable sexual partners, but I'm sure there are situations and people where I could find men as well.

I think about this quite a bit, since now that the break-up is coming up, I will no longer have a male sexual partner, and I would rather like to. Not super-high on my priority list, and there are complications with it, but I'd like to. I'm also processing the fact that I should make stronger personal boundaries with it - not really against other people, but with myself. That is, I do sometimes have sex even without feeling very comfortable with it, because I'm trans and feel body discomfort but I bloody well want to have a sex life regardless. But I'm not sure it's all that good for me to compromise it to the extent I'm used to doing so. Thanks for writing your comments and how you feel as well! I enjoyed reading it.

Last edited by rory; 01-16-2014 at 02:41 PM.
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