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Old 01-16-2014, 04:24 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,014
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I'm sorry you hurt.

Here's how it plays out to me behavior wise --

YOUR BEHAVIOR

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I know better than to come on too strong or move things too quickly.
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Our first date was great... Except for the sex and he wasn't a great kisser. Since this was someone my friend knew quite well, down went the boundaries and I "played" with him and had sex with him.
Basically you found your behavior did not serve you well.

You state you know better than to come on too strong or move things too quickly. And... you let the boundaries down and came on strong and fast in sharing play/sex on the first date. Could not do that next time. Call it lesson learned, and obey your own limits more often.

HIS BEHAVIOR:

  • He contacted me on Fetlife -- our friend wanted to get us together.
  • He told me he was poly-friendly and had been in a polyamorous relationship before.
  • He initiated 70% of our contact.
  • He was willing to play/share sex on the first date with me.
  • Afterwards, he continued to initiate our contact via text and would ask me what I was doing, supposedly to make plans.
  • He also demonstrated eagerness to hang out with our visiting common friend -- even before she had a chance to be with her kid.
  • (She declined?) so he asked to hang out with her and me another day later in the week.
  • We make plans to hang in trio, but she has to cancel. He and I go to bar. Though he came along, he never texted me back afterward.
  • He didn't contact either of us until we both hit him up on the actual day we made plans for. Then he wanted to know when she was leaving.
  • We all go out. The whole time... He ignored me. He didn't ask how I was. He hardly included me in anything. I had to forcibly interject myself into every conversation.

So on and so forth. To me is sounds like maybe he is more into your friend than you, and maybe he was hoping that getting with you in "polyship" would pave the access road to her? I don't know.

But in your next behavior -- this was self respecting behavior that you did:
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I basically told him that he was very rude to me and to not contact me ever again unless it was to apologize, not that it would really make a difference
.

You could be proud of that behavior.

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I'm still traumatized. Actually, I'm crying now as I write this.I'm really afraid of pursuing people now and I question my judgment.
There is nothing wrong with your judgement or your limit. Let me lift it up again:

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I know better than to come on too strong or move things too quickly.
That's a good limit to have for yourself. You did not listen to your judgement to help you obey your own limit on this one. Instead you made excuse for yourself -- "oh, my friend knows him... so her judgement of his character is good enough." But her judgement of his character is not YOUR judgement of his character.

So you got burned. Could listen your judgement and obey your limit next time, that's all. Give yourself more time to feel out a potential dating partner's character first and make your OWN judgement of it.

If you envy this in your other partner and wish this for yourself ...
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I wish I had more sustainable, lasting connections like he does.
...you could arrange your behavior so it supports that wish. Could arrange your behavior so you give you a better shot at developing more sustainable, lasting connections like you hope for. Holding off a bit longer to see what kind of character the potential has might serve you better in achieving that wish for more solid relationships. You don't have to try that approach, of course. But if you feel like it you could experiment with other approaches and figure out what serves you best.

In time you will feel better. You can do this. Do your self care, heal, and then try again.

Hang in there!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-16-2014 at 02:25 PM.
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