Originally Posted by jbonjovi
My partner and I have been discussing being non-monogamous after a few rough months and some issues of infidelity. I was excited when they decided to try poly with me, but there first choice for a secondary relationship was with another married person, and there is no consent from that persons spouse. After expressing my concerns about what this could do to this other family if my partners relationship goes south, my partner became very sad and upset about not getting my full approval and thinks that I need to be open to the possibility it could work. It makes me feel bad because I want my partner to have this positive feeling from this relationship but it feels wrong to lie to my neighbor about what's going on if they are not okay with this relationship. HELP!
Can you clarify? Are you a secondary to your partner? Who is the first they? Your partner and his/her primary? And did this person cheat on his/her primary with you?
And if their first choice was a married person, then at what point did they decide to try with you?
I second that the plan to try 'poly' with someone whose spouse did not consent...and I'm guessing doesn't know? This is cheating, end of story. You are right to be concerned about what this will do to another family. Why should your partner have positive feelings from a relationship that is harming another individual and family? This isn't kindergarten. He (she?) is an adult and doesn't get a gold star smiley face to make him feel good just for showing up. You don't owe anyone approval for them following a harmful course of action that will hurt others.