Thread: Not Dead Yet!
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Old 01-14-2014, 09:47 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
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Also, if you wish to comment, please do so. I am not nearly as raw as I was.

I'm doing better. I'm not angry so much. We continued to talk about the no bottoming in public thing for a while. Eventually he said he would bottom in public again. Whip also specifically said this was not because I was having such a difficult reaction to it. However, I am not sure if I believe him.

I am trying to figure out why I reacted so angrily and so strongly to this. That is not normal for me. It clearly touched upon a whole range of sensitivities I didn't fully realize I had. (Fucking hate that!) It bothers me immensely that I was so angry about it. I don't think anger was a 'wrong' reaction but it was outsized. And I am not fully sure of why.

I don't feel as secure with Whip as I did with Beaker. There is something in a monogamous structure that 'feels' more secure to me. I realize this is a logical fallacy. After all I am no longer with Beaker so that security was false anyway. While I don't want to be monogamous with Whip, I do want to feel more secure. I am trying to figure out how to generate that within myself. Generally, I'm a fairly secure person. I usually believe people when they tell me something (unless I have reason not to), I generally don't worry about what is not my business and can't control anyway.

And I've been sheepishly realizing, I've usually been the more self-involved, less empathic person in a relationship. It's honestly weird being the more 'emotional' partner. It's a role I am not used to. (My best friend just chortles and calls it karma. I suspect she is right.) It's weird being the one who has more emotional experience in some ways. Whip is not immature but he does have that self-involvement that people in their 20s tend to have. He's figuring out who he is. I was that way too - which is one reason I recognize it. And in a lot of ways, it was not good for me. I did put my emotional development too much on other people. I left the emotional heavy lifting to others and that is not healthy at all. I don't want to do that again. But I also don't want to do all the emotional work either. Trying to find that balance internally - much less in the relationship - has been hard.

So yeah. Stuff going on.
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