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Old 01-14-2014, 06:04 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,060
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To me? This is sex share with more than one partner -- polysexuality.

If she's afraid to love share with you, then you are not practicing polyamory together.

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Ultimately, what I have to get my head around is that she can flip back and forth from me to someone else (via text) and mean both things she says.
That she enjoys being with both partners? Sure. She can enjoy it. That doesn't mean she is "in love" with either.

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I think I've been resisting actual polyamory.
I think you are hoping to share love with her, and ok with it coming in (polyamory) shape if that's the price of admission.

But you aren't getting love share here, so you are sad.

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I just have to get it through my thick head that loving someone else doesn't mean she doesn't love me.
That is true. Just because I love A. doesn't mean I do not love B. Core beliefs can ramp up jealousy.

I mean this kindly, ok?

I think what you have a hard time getting through your head might be that she doesn't love you in the way you want it to be.

I think you are experiencing inner conflict because you WANT love share with her and she's been clear all along that she's not up for that. And that's where you are having trouble digesting disappointment so you can reach acceptance.

Really doesn't have anything to do with the other BF person. Or even polyamory.

This seems to do with the fact that you want one relationship shape with her (friendship share, love share, sex share) and she wants another shape (friendship share, sex share).

You don't line up.

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She wants to be a friend who shares sex only. Sex share. Not love share.
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"she didn't like relationships." She just wanted to be "deep friends who have sex."
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She's said that it's easier to go out and have sex with guys who mean nothing, because she knows that after sex I expect some sort of relationship/connection...which is something that scares her.
However she feels about it -- "scares her" or whatever? The point is that she's not willing/able to provide it for you.

So you aren't going to get it here. Kudos to her for being honest. Kudos to her too, for listening when you request things. She's willing to do some of them -- like tone down the text thing. But I don't think you can ask her to be willing to sign up for a relationship shape she just isn't into and expect her to be willing to give that. She has indicated she's not up for that several times.

When you do not want to hear what she is saying to you because you want to keep the idea that it could be different alive in your head? That's not having feet planted on the ground and accepting actuality. Sure, lots of things could be different. But what it IS, is this.

You are dinging your own mental, emotional, and spiritual health continuing this way.
  • Could let go of the want to practice polyamory with this woman so you can enjoy practicing polysexuality together with peace of mind and no longer suffer inner conflict.
  • Could let go of this woman who does not want polyamory and seek polyamory elsewhere. So you can be free of inner conflict that way.
  • Or could let go of both -- seek a different partner AND non-polyamory elsewhere. Another way to let go of inner conflict.

I'm sorry you are hurting. Truly.

But beating your head on a wall is not serving you well.

It could serve you better to think and decide HOW you want to solve your inner conflict so you can start to feel better over time.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-14-2014 at 07:27 PM.
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