Originally Posted by ak2381
I think through alot of research I found that right now my biggest fears are loosing him as him loving her or someone else more. Her loving him more proves that is possible. And that would kill me. My other fear is the common not feeling like I am enough or inadequate and what did i do wrong. I am trying very hard to understand these and push past them.
ak - I think that I have pinpointed that these are also the fears I am having that are causing the jealousy. For a while, while I knew on one hand that he loved me and was committed to me for life, I did worry that they fell in love so quickly and deeply that it would grow and he would leave me. I can say for absolute 100% certainty that that is not anything I have to worry about. I know that he will never leave me and that he plans on being with me forever. I am worried that he finds her more sexy, more sensual than I am. I do have low self esteem that I am trying to work on. While she is older than me and about the same weight as I am - she has TONS of self confidence and that is what he finds attractive and loves about her. They have a lot in common that him and I don't - and that also causes me to be jealous. She will send him sexy pictures of herself (at weak moments I looked at his cell phone - he knows and I have not done it in a long time) and that really makes me self conscious! She posted a really good looking picture of herself on Facebook this week - and I cried when I saw it. She is very good looking and does take very sensual, sexy pictures of herself. I personally think I am ugly and that there is nothing sexy about me - that makes it hard. I know I have to stop thinking that way - I just keep telling myself that my husband finds me attractive and sexy and that is all that matters. I am trying to not focus or obsess about what she does or can do for him. I am not her - and he loves me for me. I just try to make him happy the ways I know how. It's extremely hard to not compare myself to her. He says all the time that it's not a competition - but I do feel like it is. How do you stop feeling like that?
Does your husband look at these forums or read up on polyamory? My husband does and I think that helps him see that what I am feeling is not completely crazy. It is out of character for me, but not uncommon in this type of situation. He has also said he would read some of the books I bought on this subject. The more I try to understand his point of view and the more he tries to understand mine - the better off we will be.
Our big issue now is that his girlfriend wants more of a committment from him. She has a big decision to make in her marriage and doesn't want to make it if she isn't sure he is committed to her for the long run. The amount that I want her involved in our lives are different than what they both want. Hopefully with the help of our counselor we will be able to come to a compromise. I feel that I have compromised by doing what I can to accept this and by allowing him the freedom to have a girlfriend. Why is that not enough for them? It's hard when they both want things one way and I want them another. It is going to take a lot of communication and time to figure this out.
Is there anyone who had this same situation and if so, how did you handle it? EugenePoet - thanks for your take on this. The problem is that he wants her to be a bigger part of his life too, but he understands that it has to be taken slowly and that it can't happen until I am 100% ok with it.