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Old 01-13-2014, 05:39 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,211

I hate being needy and clingy and insecure, and I don't want that side of me to drive away my new lover.
That is all "thoughts in your head" about you not liking feeling yucky. And who looooves to feel yucky? Nobody!

Could self-reassure a bit and remind you that you are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings. You are the one doing the thinking and feeling.
You "having needs" is not you being "needy." Everyone has needs from time to time. You had a recent break up. It is appropriate to feel blah and it is appropriate to need a little extra reassuring when you date again after a recent break up.

In seeking reassurance from him?

Could realize that at this time, YOU are the one putting that kind of evaluation on it ("I am too needy for him and he will run away!") not your partner himself.
  • You could not do that so you don't crank yourself up more than need be. You could ask him.
  • You could let your partner "speak for himself out loud to you" rather than you "speaking for him in your thoughts."

Then you could know what HE actually thinks. Rather than you sitting with (what you think he thinks) and making yourself uncomfortable with that thinking behavior.

Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can get the reassurance I seem to need (from my partner), without scaring him off?
For HOW to say it? You answered your own self for the most part. Could ASK in your words...

"Partner, I'm not expecting this you to fall madly in love with me in the next ten minutes. I want things to just unfold naturally and for the relationship to settle into whatever it has the potential to be.

But after my last breakup, I find that I am needing some reassurance from you that you do want the relationship and really want to be here. This relationship isn't something you are doing until you find a local partner. You want to take the connection as far as it can go.

A simple "I'm not sure that seeing you monthly will always fit into my life, but I really want to try at this time" will do. Could you be willing to confirm you really want to be here and really want to try? So I can be reassured?"
Then wait for the response. He is either up for reassuring you verbally or not.

Or how to stop needing it? Thanks to all.
Seems easier for you to put your energy into (work to become more willing to feel vulnerable and ask for what I need) and then see if that serves you better. See he could be willing to provide it or not. Even if he's not willing, you are expressing yourself honestly on your end of it. That behavior seems better for your emotional and spiritual health.

For you to put your energy into (work to become more able to deny having needs and suppress what I feel) and risk becoming an unfeeling person or super stressy person? Never be willing to experience receiving reassurance from others?

That behavior could be alienating and damaging to your emotional health and spiritual health. Could not go for that option.

You don't have to be a doormat, but neither do you have to be cut off from other people or from yourself.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-13-2014 at 07:25 PM.
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