I've had a lot of conversations recently with both rory and Hank about rory moving in with us. I'm generally really excited about it, but we do want to talk about possible pitfalls beforehand and I think there are a few things I/we need to work on. Most of them so far have nothing to do with how rory and Hank will relate to each other, but more with me relating to both of them individually.
One issue that I have with both of them is that I want a lot of company and rory and Hank need alone time. It's not just concrete time management, it's also my attitude towards time. I realise I have a problem when it comes to feeling entitled to their time. Like they would have to be there for me whenever I need them. Unfortunately that's not how it works. If I'm alone, I can deal with whatever I need to deal with because there's no choice. But if there is a person I love in the next room, alone, and I can't talk to them when I need to, it feels different. I feel more lonely when I know I could in theory have company but I don't because that person doesn't want to be with me at that moment. If they can't, if they're not home, it's easier to accept. As an extrovert living with an introvert and soon with two introverts, it's about time I learn this. They need their alone time, but not just that. Hank and rory both have expressed that they need to feel free to spend time alone, free of guilt. That it should be okay to say 'no' to me when I ask them to spend time with me. And of course it is okay to say that, but Hank especially starts feeling guilty about his alone time if he sees that I'm upset about him not wanting to hang out with me. I can understand that. But we're in a bit of a standstill with it. In order for that feeling chain reaction to not occur I would have to not be upset when my loved ones don't want to hang out with me - or just not ask them to do that at all. Let them come to me when they want to. Not express my feelings of wanting to spend time together, they already know that in general that would be my preference most of the time. So this is what I am going to try to do with Hank. If I learn this now, everything will be applicable to rory as well when they move in. I will try to give Hank more space and let him come to me more. I will try to be less needy. Meaning I will try to deal with my stuff more by myself or by writing instead of needing other people to do it with. Or at least try to talk to my friends more, so that my partners don't have to be burdened by everything I'm thinking. It's awesome if they are there for me but I can't expect that. Their time and attention is a gift they give to me, not something I can just take whenever I want.
It is a journey. I will try my best. We'll see how it goes.
Me: bi female in my 30's
Living with Hank (partner) and Will (friend)
Metamour: Dahlia (Hank's partner)
Recent ex: rory (living with Dahlia)