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Old 01-13-2014, 04:49 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 105
Default Dealing with residual insecurities from a (sort of) past relationship

About a year ago, my beloved long-distance boyfriend of almost two years told me on the phone that he suddenly wasn't feeling romantic where I was concerned. We had had some friction around me wanting more of a commitment than he did (I wanted us to commit to being each other's only long-distance relationships, which seemed reasonable to me since he barely had time to see me as it was, but he didn't agree), but I had dropped the issue and let him know I would try to be supportive of anything he wanted to do, even if it cut into our time together. Then he canceled our next weekend together, said we should just be friends for the time being, and was not really able to articulate to me what had gone wrong for him. I heard a lot of vague things about how he and I saw the world differently, but that he still loved me and wanted a relationship, just not the kind we had been in. So it was confusing as heck. He refused all my requests for him to schedule time with me, try to work out whatever had gone wrong, and reconnect with each other. Since he lives a plane ride away, I might not have even seen him again in person if it was not for a weekend poly event that we both attend twice a year.

He and I continue to see each other, nonsexually, at this poly event, and we talk frequently on Skype, and have evolved into cuddly friends who may have the potential to recapture some of what we had, although I'm not counting on that. We are both married to other people. He hasn't had a romantic or sexual partner, local or long-distance, outside his marriage since me, and he doesn't seem to mind that. It's frustrating to me that I can't count on his attendance at this poly event, and we don't get much alone time there when he does attend. I still want to be romantic partners again in some form, and I still love him and miss him terribly, but I have accepted that we both have to want it, and unless he starts to want it again too, I will have to content myself with the friendship we have left.

I had a few first dates in the past year but I didn't connect with anyone new until recently. Lo and behold, I am in another long-distance relationship. My new sweetie is not nearly as far away as my previous partner, he's just under three hours by car. We just spent our second weekend together and it was really great, we have a very strong sexual connection, the best I have found with any partner outside my marriage who had relationship potential. Plus he's fun and charming and affectionate. I wouldn't say that I'm falling in love, but I think I may be headed that way in time, and I know enough about him to believe that he is emotionally available too. Although I haven't met his wife yet, I've both texted and chatted with her online and she is definitely supportive and seems sane. All should be good. Except I realized this weekend that I am terrified that he will pull the rug out from under me just like my last partner, that he will tell me he's not feeling it and then I will never see him again, since he and I don't have any events or poly community in common at all.

He and I hadn't discussed how frequently we will see each other until yesterday, when I brought it up. I asked him what he wanted in terms of time with me, did he want to continue to meet for an overnight date about once a month as we have been doing thus far, or if that was too difficult to fit into his life since his kids are younger than mine. He just sighed and said that he couldn't really plan much at present. He did just lose his job and I know he's worried about finding another one and I've let him know that I'm happy to pay for our motel room at present, at least until he finds another job. It's not a hardship for me to do this at all.

I'm not expecting this guy to fall madly in love with me in the next ten minutes, I want things to just unfold naturally and for the relationship to settle into whatever it has the potential to be. But I find that I am needing some reassurance that he does want the relationship, that this isn't just something he is doing until he finds a local partner, that he wants to take the connection as far as it can go. A simple "I'm not sure that seeing you monthly will always fit into my life, but I really want to" would do.

I hate being needy and clingy and insecure, and I don't want that side of me to drive away my new lover. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can get the reassurance I seem to need, without scaring him off? Or how to stop needing it? Thanks to all.
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Female, married just about forever to Scout. My boyfriends are E. and C. Both are married, and C also has another lover, J.

Last edited by scarletzinnia; 01-13-2014 at 05:02 PM.
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