Originally Posted by pcflvly
Good advice Kevin. Thanks. Most of that is beyond the scope of what I ever intended to discuss on here. I've tried to leave J out of it and only discuss my feelings and how I relate to A. J has mostly only figured in peripherally. That's also true in the real world here. I try not to pry into their relationship and although we've met a few times, it hasn't led to much closeness, just chit chat. Now though, he finds time for her to see me and even came to my house. That's a big change.
I've followed your blog with interest, as an objective side of your personality seems to come through - more than most writers here usually convey. I've remarked before about the fact that you happen to be the most poly person in this relationship, and that seems to be coming through loud and clear as time goes on.
I think the root of your concern touches on the heart of many of the fears and conflicts that poly relationships bring out. The dark underbelly of many of them is the idea that couples who reach out to poly are, in fact, potentially in a position where they can upgrade from their current partner. The insinuation in your concerns is that the wife (A - who after all these posts could use more than a single letter for a name, lol) has romantically shut down on her husband and that there won't be any going back for her. There's no motivation for her to do that, and why would there be? You've taken that position in her heart and mind, and any efforts with him would be superficial and meaningless to her.
And that's what it comes down to, isn't it? Motivations.
Is your girlfriend really in a poly mindset? Based on your writing, all evidence points to her being resolutely monogamous. It's easier for the poly label to be stuck on things here, but words are always a distant second compared to actions and motivations.
Is that a problem though, her being monogamous with you while also being married to someone she tacitly tolerates romantically? It doesn't appear to be with the husband....for now. And those words "for now" are where the eyebrows furrow and the mind starts wondering.
Why isn't that bothering him? Is he fine living in a dead-battery marriage with a wife who doesn't think about him (except as the father of her kids, good friend - and possibly a paycheck)? So that's the question you really want an answer to, I'd think. Is it not bothering him because he's madly in love and thinks things will get better (highly unlikely) - or is he already resigned to an outcome where he's left with the short end of the stick? Perhaps he's a family man who believes in the sanctity of marriage and wants to provide a stable home regardless of how the marriage itself is functioning? Or possibly is he someone who lives vicariously through enjoying the exploits of his partner (cuckold mentality, etc)?
These are questions no one has to immediately care about, depending on the type of person lurking underneath the generous time-giving man you're dealing with right now. Is he going to simmer and eventually blow his top, and demand/expect changes to the way things are? Or, is he going to fade quietly into the night recognizing that he isn't the man for her?
My suspicion is that were there no children involved, she'd already be living with you.
I think out of everything, the sooner she comes to realize she's a 'one man woman' the sooner things will come to their natural conclusion. Or, if he's really okay with being the odd man out, it'll just stay the way it is until the children are nearly grown. Which might be the worst outcome for everyone involved.
There are some other life story writers in here in a similar relationship, who met the man of their dreams after they met the one they married. I wouldn't call their lives charmed by any stretch of the imagination, but they press on in the dual relationships for reasons other than being in love with their spouse. You might poke around and see the outcomes aren't too different from the one your girlfriend is headed for.
On your side of it though, those questions above are extremely meaningful at some point. How they get answered will dictate the course of your future. A little thing like 'currently getting 100% of the affection' will eventually mean a great deal more. I think it speaks highly of your intelligence to wonder about the things you've written on.