The New Normal
I was going to abandon my blog altogether, but I miss posting. These days my life is pretty straight laced and simple. (Boring, even?) Simplicity can be a good thing. We are settling into our new normal, and for me, consistency is quite a strange concept. Being the hands on mum and being so involved in my babies' lives is giving me more joy and fulfillment than the past several years of my life.
I have spent the greater part of the last several months thinking, and I have come to quite a few realisations. One of which is why I chose to abandon the need for a poly label. They no longer fit properly. Technically, I am in love with two people, but I have no interest in a relationship with the second person. I only want to be with my DH. I love her as she is, and I know she loves me. I just do not want a relationship. That is where I draw the line. It takes time, attention, work, and drive to maintain a level of love like what I have with my man. I have zero desire to maintain that with anyone outside of him. I do not want to sleep with her. I am okay with PDA. I do not want to date, schedule time away from my family, or anything of that nature. I like what I have with my best friend. My DH is supportive, and they both know how I feel. Our therapist is also aware. We are still in transparency and full disclosure mode. Polyamorous will never fit because I am not that. Polyamorist used to fit, due to how I structured relationships. Now? Eh. Not so much. I have a mono structure. I believe that most or possible all people are capable of loving more than one person but acting on it can be a beast of another kind. You cannot control who you fall in love with, and I am not denying that I care for my best friend. In my case, I only want that level with one person, so I guess you could say that I have chosen to be mono because of that choice. I am not worried about it. Whatever this is...it is working. My DH is happy. My children are happy. My best friend is happy. I am happy. I am not causing regression, hurt, or unhappiness in my marriage. I am not taking time away from my children. If I had some subconscious want/need for poly, it is being met. This has become one of those things that is unspoken because there is no need to speak on it in great detail. All the major players are aware of the moves that have been made. What else can be said on it when no changes will be made?
I am proud of us for fighting for our marriage and continuing to do the same things we started last year when this whole mess started. In spite of the very rough year and the challenges presented, we survived. I am blessed to have a man who forgave me for my mistakes and not only understands but respects the feelings I have for my best friend. He is supportive even though he was burned badly by the shit that I did. It takes a strong person to do that. I am thankful for every experience and lesson learned. Never will I ever hurt him in any way again. I will be damned. We have almost 12 years of marriage behind us, and I love that man with every past, present, and future beat of my heart. I am not letting him go. I made some mistakes then, and I can only aspire to be a better wife and mum now. I am truly happy with the direction and shape my life has taken on, and I have to give credit where it is due. I had someone who wanted a healthy marriage and fresh start as much as I did. I needed to get my shit together, and I am glad I did.
In non-poly news, we are gelling as a family with a new member. It is slowly coming together. We have not had any issues. We have started the formal proceedings for adoption. Adoption of older children is rather unprecedented where we live, so we are preparing for anything. We have an excellent team behind us, and everything appears to be running smoothly. *knocking on wood*
She is adjusting to being here with us. We have weekly family counselling sessions, and we have modified our schedules so that she is able to spend one-on-one time with everyone in our family. DH and I returned to work this week. He works 7-5, and I work 7-3. She has been with us since 20 December, and it is like she has been a member of our family forever. Our youngest goes to the nursery four days a week, so Nanny J has the girls during the day. She is excellent with children, and our newest member adores her. She is our angel because most people would probably have quit with the prospect of a foster child being added to the family, but she has welcomed her with arms wide open. She is playing a huge role in her integration into our family's daily lives.
My schedule looks like: Monday-Thursday: work from 7a-3p. Daily bonding time with my 5 year old from 3:30-4:30. We do something different every day. Bonding time with the 1.5 year old from 5-6. He likes to cuddle and lay up under me. (DH gets home at 5:15 or 5:30.) We usually start on dinner around 6-7 or whenever he gets out of the shower, and it has become part of our evening routine to cook together. Our 5 year old and 14 year old set the table together. We try to eat by 7:30-8, and we eat dinner as a family every night. We spend time with all three of them until they go to bed, or one of us might go out with friends. Our 14 year old is usually in bed by 11-12. DH and I are still committed to our daily morning and evening blocks on QT after the little ones are in bed. On Thursday afternoon, we have family counselling. Our new thing is ordering pizza and having a family night. We let them pick a movie, a game, or we go out somewhere.
We are off on Friday's. DH and I typically spend an hour or two alone in the morning. We usually have a breakfast date and dinner date on Friday's. Since it is the summer, we have been spending a huge portion of the day with our children. He wanted some one-on-one time with our son, so I spent most of the afternoon with our girls. We spent the day on the Great Ocean Road. DH and I had marriage counselling from 4-5:15. We made it home around 5:30, and we left out for date at 9:30. Our 14 year old cooked dinner, and it was great. Little lady knows her way around the kitchen. Babe and I had dinner, dessert, and drinks. We went for a midnight walk across the river, and we just talked and held hands. Very relaxed night.
Yesterday and today have been all about family time. DH and our daughters spent most of yesterday together. I had my son, and we went to a Dr. Seuss play, the playground, and had lunch. Nanny J had the day off. This morning we attended DH's church. We went to brunch, and we attended a solemn Mass at my church. We are at home now. The youngest two are taking their afternoon naps. Nanny J is out. Our 14 year old is entertaining some of her friends in the backyard. DH is hiding in his man cave.
I am not sure how the rest of the day will be spent. I am about to video chat with my best friend and check in with her. I am seriously not trying to cook Sunday dinner, so I am about to do a poll and find out what everyone wants. MenuLog here I come.
I hope you all are doing well and enjoying 2014. If not, you have plenty of time to turn this year around and make it better than last year! xo
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.