Thread: in over my head
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Old 01-11-2014, 05:38 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
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Hi pcflvly,
Here's what Lady Hinge has to say -- Looks like her new handle will be Snowbunny.

"Here is my response. Sorry my writing skillz are not anything close to Kevin's. I am much better at writing technical work instructions than in providing social advice.

'First, is it any of my business how she divides her time and affections?'
Yes, I think it is. Especially if NRE is running rampant you don't want to sabotage her other relationship. And I would be afraid of causing any type of jealousy issues with her other love. No matter what he says. It's still good for them to have their time together! If you are a part of the family, then I think it's in your best interest to encourage her to spend a fair amount of time with her other *and* the one thing that is really hard, spend time for herself.

Another idea may be to spend time together as a threesome if possible. It's going to be hard at first finding the right balance and boundries. I have found it's easier keeping PDA to a minimum in public. It helps us with jealousy issues and my hubby's fear of causing any scenes where people might say something (he has some self esteem issues to start with).

If we are at home, there might be a little PDA or hand holding but not anything too over the top. To me, it's a respect thing. I know hubby had a hard time getting onboard with poly so I don't want to be too in his face about it.

We are much more relaxed now with who gets how much time. It comes down to work schedules and availability. Kevin is available much more often than hubby is, so hubby and I try to spend time together when we can and Kevin and I sort of fill in the blanks. In the beginning though, it was hard; we had an Excel spreadsheet of how many hours I was spending with each person every week. Thank goodness we didn't have to do that for very long.

'Anything I can do to equalize this?'
Just be aware and respectful of the other guy. Put yourself in his shoes. Make suggestions. Have a heart-to-heart with him if you are comfortable doing so.

It sounds like you are worried about exhausting her sexually. My hubby is a sexual cactus. He can go months without sex and it doesn't bother him. This went on for many years before we were even poly. From all of our discussions and being married almost 20 years, from what I can tell, he just has a very very low sexual appetite. So it may or may not even be a big deal to the other guy.

Good luck with your V. May you have many happy years together. Communicate! It makes a world of difference.
Hope that helps.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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