My emotions are up, then down, then up, then down. Typical poly rollercoaster.
After our visit 2 days ago, Ginger came down with something flu-like. His first worry was, caught herpes from Buddhist. Well, I found that unlikely since she's been asymptomatic for years, but you never know.
He hasn't mentioned any cold sores appearing though.
I feel so silly, not wanting him to date. Very hypocritical, and also, why fight change? Life is all about change.
Doesn't help, however, that our finished basement flooded on Dec 23, put a damper on holiday celebrations, and we have already had to move belongings from the wet side to the dry side, and will have to rejuggle everything when it comes time for the new carpet to go in. Stressful.
But I can not insist that Ginger only date when there are no other stresses in my life. There will always be stress in my life! Meanwhile, he's a grown man and he can do what he wants.
But I'm just like, ugh, I don't want to hear about Her. I don't like when my mind imagines them wrapped up together, liking and in lust together. It grosses me out! I do not know why.
Maybe b/c miss pixi hasn't dated another woman since we met, just a few guys. I guess I feel like, if Buddhist is a 90% match with me, why does he need/want her?
Because of that other 10%, and the excitement of something new. He says he finds she has depth and he wants to see more. Ginger just likes women. I wish I could be happy for him, feel the illusive compersion.
It's so odd I need to spell this all out to myself. Occasionally I can find their connection sexy and a turn on for myself, but generally I feel the opposite, not jealous per se, but actually grossed out! Her... essence all over him. Sometimes I don't want to think about it, or listen to him talk about her, like a DADT feeling. Other times I want him to tell me as much as possible so I don't imagine things that aren't even happening.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley
Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
"Master," (mono, 36), miss pixi's Dom for 3 years