Thanks for the comments.
You always have sensible thoughts on these issues. There's a lot to process there for me.
One thing -
Originally Posted by GalaGirl
When he breaks his agreements and you respond with chit chat rather than "You have agreements to keep. Please keep them or work to change them. Please do not contact me at this time so you can attend to the problems in your marriage with your full attention" type BRIEF responses?
You are helping him to KEEP ON breaking his agreements. You are not helping him to keep them or change them. That part IS your behavior.
OK. I can see that.
This last time, I didn't know that they still had an agreement to that effect. In particular, since he was cc'ing her e-mail address. I assumed (erroneously) that she was now OK with some types of communication, of which that e-mail was one.
When JP wrote the next day and told me she was furious over the broken agreement, I did point him back in the direction of
1) it doesn't matter if you think it's innocuous - no means no.
2) you two have more work to do.
Next time (assuming there _is_ a next time), should I ask - what is your current agreement about communication with me?
JP's last message to me said that if communication is allowed to start up again, that A is off limits. It'll be interesting to try and phrase any question about agreements without mentioning her.
Again, thanks for your insights. This is all new to me.
M - Me female, 59 - _trying_ to figure out if I'm poly
B - 56 - my husband for over 34 years
JP - 58 - my high school boyfriend, newly appeared in the picture after 38 years; very long distance; haven't actually seen him
A - 65? - JP's wife of over 30 years