I hope you feel better for the vent.
I know - there are others here who told me to get out two months ago. And all I've been doing is writing when addressed.
You chose to go there in your behavior. It did not serve you well -- you reaped new upsets.
It is what is. *shrug* now you get to pick new behavior.
B thinks I've been doing the right thing, in trying to get the dynamics to change.
I disagree. YOU cannot get the dynamics to change with a broken couple. They are in charge of their behavior, not you.
And what is it about me that's so threatening?
Let me lift up one of your other quotes in response:
I don't think I would go through all this for a random new person I'd met. The difference is that we have a lot of history.
Maybe it is same for her. She wouldn't go through all this hooha if you were someone without
a lot of history with him. Prob still some hooha, since their dynamic is broken sounding... but not as high as with you out of the picture.
Because you (or his idea
of you) are one influence, it's easier for her to blame you for his poor behavior. That if you (or his idealized idea
of you in his head) did not exist, he would not behave poorly toward her. But really? It's him choosing his behavior, and he is choosing poor behavior toward her.
1) He could stop breaking agreements! It erodes trust in his word.
2) He could not make agreements he does not intend to keep in the first place!
She may have to to process and own her disappointment that he does not agree to something she wants. But he could be HONEST in his behavior toward her.
3) If there are issues in his marriage, he could attend to them rather than seeking escapism in you or his idea of you.
When he breaks his agreements and you respond with chit chat rather than "You have agreements to keep. Please keep them or work to change them. Please do not contact me at this time so you can attend to the problems in your marriage with your full attention" type BRIEF responses?
You are helping
him to KEEP ON breaking his agreements. You are not helping him to keep them or change them. That part IS your behavior.
Because you are correct about your behavior and his behavior toward the wife:
It's a smaller (it seems to me, anyway) version of the stuff I've read on this site about agreements to be open, then inform when it's progressing to, say, kissing and then again when sex is contemplated.
When you take up with a person who is to be a hinge, you could be generous with their time, and you could help them to meet their other agreements, not help them to break them.
For sake of harmony in the greater polyship, for sake of not putting the hinge "in the middle" and for sake of wanting same behavior back in return when it is your time with the hinge.
- Could call it a life lesson for yourself.
- Could let it go so you can be free of new upsets.
- Could obey your own limit -- "this is too much drama."
Again, I hope you feel better for the vent. But yeah... it just is what it is here, and the sooner you accept it, the sooner YOU are better off. Whatever it is they are doing/not doing with themselves over THERE.