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Old 04-06-2010, 06:26 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post

I mean NO disrespect here, but it sounds like the whole family needs to mentally tell the sister in law to buzz off.

In this example I would say the mistake was in listening to her. It would have been better to ask your mom, "hey, mom it was SO nice having you all over this evening and we've REALLY enjoyed ourselves. I know we have plans for Easter, I just wanted to be sure that there weren't any new details I should know..."

That way if she WAS wanting to "uninvite" (way rude in Ms. Manners book) Mon she could do so herself.

One of those details we all talked about on the communication thread... but it's hard to put into practice with people we've had "unhealthy" communication with our whole lives.

I would start practicing it with them though. Never assume ANY single one of them knows what another is thinking.. so if one says another one wants/feels/needs, go back to the other one and verify it. You don't have to start a rumor mill with "so and so said you...". You can just say "hey mom/dad/bro/sil, I was thinking you might like... but I thought I should ask" or "hey m/d/b/s, how do you feel about...."

They may hem and haw, but you will be teaching (through example) much healthier self-responsibility for speaking the truth of what they need/want etc.
AND if your son witnesses your actions it will help him be more confident in using the good communication skills he's learning with you, PolyN and Mon at home-out in the 'real' world too!

No offense taken, I totally agree, I should of checked with them specifically. My parents weren't present for our puzzle time talk and a lot came out about their disappointment about me disappearing from their lives to pursue Mono. They saw it as perminant. I saw it as an adjustment time. Essentially I am asking them to invite Mono into our extended family. They didn't get that and thought I was chosing him over them. This is what I was told by my brother and his girlfriend. I was told that they still thought that way and in a quick rash decision to make it right, Mono and I agreed he should back away a bit.

See, our family has always worked by way of control through making others feel guilty. Control by imposing on each others independant thought and lives. I have only realized this in the last few years and they haven't realized this at all. I guess I realized the second part of that, but not the guilt part. I have been doing the same thing in terms of control and have worked hard to not do that any more. At the same time I have worked hard to not feel guilty for things that are not my issue. We're talking a life time here and a cultural thing in that they are British and came from a culture of guilt and control in a general sense (not saying that all Brits experience that).

I have learned a lot from my husband about not playing into control through guilt and imposing on others independant thought and from people on here. I wrote a thread last year about guilt and was surprised that no one got why I felt guilty. It made me wonder if I should. Very helpful in my endless self discovery.

I can't change them and their ways. I can do as I would have done to me and be an example of how I want to be treated. I know that and do that, but it will take time and it is early days yet.

I know something about what makes them happy and feeling considered, that used to be to not invite Mono to every family event. I guess that has changed and I will adjust. I don't buy it, but will check in to be sure next time. The trouble is that checking doesn't mean I get a straight answer and I am often left guessing if I have been placated. Ah well, its a work in progress.
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