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Old 04-06-2010, 06:11 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

My wife and I discussed this the other day. Since life has become...more varied in the last 6 months she has started looking back and seeing our old life and asking the question "when will things go back to normal"...

I didn't and don't have an answer. I was never unhappy with our normal, but something always felt off. Sexually we were stalled (not in a rut as we are very adventurous lovers, we just kind of slowed to a crawl)...

emotionally I was burned out from helping her with health problems for 10 years. Everything to the outside person AND even us, seemed normal and awesome. We were that 10 year couple that still loved, dated and flirted openly. We had an awesome normal relationship....

We found a new partner (we have always been open) that we both fell for deeply. This opened up a whole new level of normal. Emotions flowing, re-awakened sex drive etc. While all the emotions sometimes hurt...they were also awesome. I look back on them with fondness in helping me wake up again. I look back at normal and cringe...I have never been "normal" how the hell did I let myself get that way anyways. I was stagnating in my normalcy.

What is abnormal about being significantly more open about my emotions, wants and needs. About discussing what hurts instead of hiding it. About discussing my insecurities instead of "manning" up every time. These are the things that make her uncomfortable because I talk a lot. I see the fire in her eyes again though, she is no longer normal either. She has gone back to that woman I debated with in a bar 10 years ago and at the end of the night decided we would go back to her place and try and break a bed...she has gone back to the woman who lusted and craved...

I don't have any suggestions for your normal or what you want. All I can do is share my perspective. Some days I look back at normal and think of how easy it was...but then I can look in the mirror and know I was burying something about myself to be "normal" (for me this has a little to do with poly...there is more involved than loving multiple people)

I don't know about your traumas, all I can do is say that you have your husband, you may find knowing your have him there will be an emotional pillar you can use to help you open up to someone knew. Knowing someone is there the help you and be your rock is empowering

We would sit relax, have drink, talk about the kids and enjoy life. Now it seems like our life is upside down all the time. There is always something going on.
This isn't really a poly thing. This happens to relationships regardless of the configuration. Maybe you need to set aside time where certain topics are off limits. Neutral space at a local pub you used to frequent where you don't discuss topics that aren't light.

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