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Old 01-08-2014, 11:41 PM
FarAwayLover FarAwayLover is offline
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Boston
Posts: 45
Unhappy JP's gone

JP's gone. That's how I put it to B, anyway.

After Monday's message and response (both cc'd to A), I got an e-mail yesterday (Tuesday) saying that all communication needed to stop again. That A was furious that he had broken their agreement to not be in contact with me. He felt that the content was innocuous and that he had done nothing wrong.

So I sent a relatively long reply talking about the kind of digging and communication work I thought they still need to do, said it was hard work and he has to decide if it's worth it, and outlining that if the agreement is to not have contact, then yeah, any contact is breaking the agreement. It's a smaller (it seems to me, anyway) version of the stuff I've read on this site about agreements to be open, then inform when it's progressing to, say, kissing and then again when sex is contemplated. Of course, depending on tne agreement. Saying that he could negotiate what has to happen for her to be OK with any contact - seeing everything beforehand?, for example. No contact for 2 months and then she'll think about it? Whatever. And what is it about me that's so threatening? So I've been learning from this site. And I think I expressed some impatience - what the heck have you two been _working_ on in those counseling sessions, anyway?

On my way out after sending my message, I had this feeling of - this is too much drama for me. I know - there are others here who told me to get out two months ago. And all I've been doing is writing when addressed. B thinks I've been doing the right thing, in trying to get the dynamics to change.

I don't think I would go through all this for a random new person I'd met. The difference is that we have a lot of history. It feels like the high school relationship referred to here:

So late last night I read the message where JP replied and said he thought is was ridiculous, but he was going to respect his wife's wishes and stop all communication. She scheduled an emergency session with their counselor because he violated their agreement. He thinks she's paranoid concerning me. And that if he's ever allowed to start communication again, it'll have to be as friends. I know I read somewhere on this site that it can take a year or more for a spouse to get used to the idea of polyamory. I wonder how long it could take to just become accepting of the fact of my existence? Being at least friends would be nice, but I'm not holding my breath for _any_ thing to happen again.

B's been very supportive, and he thinks I'm overly pessimistic. He also talked about a 2-year old testing limits as a description of what JP sending e-mail under these circumstances meant. And he made some reference to the sponsors of the soap opera. Huh? Well, he said, the characters in the soap opera never know about the sponsors.

I can't believe they're almost finished with counseling. There's so much shit that's still there.

Thanks for listening. I just had to vent.



M - Me female, 59 - _trying_ to figure out if I'm poly
B - 56 - my husband for over 34 years
JP - 58 - my high school boyfriend, newly appeared in the picture after 38 years; very long distance; haven't actually seen him
A - 65? - JP's wife of over 30 years
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