You are 43. She is your 20 year old BDSM play partner who has a problem putting the phone down and being present on dates with you -- in house or out of house.
You are not being "too sensitive" to object to her texting another lover while she's got her head in your lap cuddling you. If it is a turn off to you it is a turn off and you could ask her to stop that.
It's not as rude as her fucking you while she's texting another lover, but it is still rude
if you don't enjoy that sort of thing. It is not POLITE. Jeez.
ADD is not an excuse to be rude.
On the other hand, maybe you find you don't want to deal with dating an ADD patient.
Could I just get some feedback on texting/phone usage as well as divided attention?
If your need is for her to stop texting while on dates with you? You could ask her to meet your request to BE PRESENT. Put it down.
- She either does because she is willing to meet your request.
- Or she does not because she is not willing to meet your request.
If she does not?
She doesn't have to change her behavior. You don't have to see it is all.
You could change what you see by telling her to move back home so you can be free of having to see her interact with her other lovers in her down time. She could have more down time at her parents' house free of you being around so she can text all she wants at THAT time over THERE.
So when you DO have dates over HERE, she could be prepared to be present with YOU on your shared dates over HERE.
Because she has so much of her stuff over at your place she may not see herself as "I'm on an extended sleepover date" -- she may see herself as "I'm hanging at home." She may see you as the ubiquitous roomie she no longer has to be polite towards as we are when we first date people. And now all her bad habits are hanging out.
You could restore order. It is YOUR home. When she comes for sleepover dates, she can bring a BAG for 2 days clothes, not MOVE IN.
You could restore a firmer boundary of "this is my house. When you come for a 2 days sleepover, I expect you to behave like a guest, and bring a bag, not your whole closet. I expect you to be present on the 2 days with me and not be texting others."
Otherwise? Just evening date. Don't sleepover date because she doesn't not want to attend and be present with your for longer than X hours at a time.
I think when she comes you see her as "on extended sleepover visit" so you hanker for her attention like "we on a sleepover date" and get upset when you do not get it because she's more like "I'm just putzing at home." Could keep firmer boundaries so both of you know what's going when the date times are happening. Be more clear in expectations of each other.
"The house as a sleepover/clubhouse fun" may have been fun for a while, but maybe it's time to get back to normal and the sloppy?
Because continuing it is not serving you well. It seems to be blurring your personal boundaries and opening you to witness behavior that causes you upset.
If she moves back with her parents?
- You get a break from having to see her behavior and maybe you are less stressy over it.
- You get to keep your relationship boundaries in a healthier way.
- You can treat dates and sleepover dates as "special" again.
Could remember what she said:
- "She doesn't like relationships."
- "She just wanted to be "deep friends who have sex."
She says she loves you, but take it in the context she's explained -- as a deep friend who sometimes shares sex with her. You are not in a BF/GF relationship here.
You are NOT (her BF AND her BDSM friend.) At this time you are her (BSDM friend.) I think you would have said that up front if you were also (her BF.)
You seem like you wish
she was your GF -- is that it?
Could note that in your post you took time and trouble to explain how you are NOT treating her like a prostitute and how she is not a gold digger. Why?
- Are you worried you ARE treating her like a prostitute?
- Are you worried she MIGHT be a gold digger?
- And you needed to talk yourself out of wondering about it?
Because it does not relate to the texting/not being present on dates problem.
That's another separate issue, if it is indeed an issue for you.