View Single Post
Old 04-06-2010, 04:58 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Originally Posted by SimpleSimian View Post
I hope she's willing to talk to me about all of this tomorrow while I'm at work, because she has the day off, and her only plans tomorrow are with this new guy, and only tentative, and only even close to reality because I let her.
Maybe one of the things that needs to happen is a set schedule. So you know. The thing I hate most (in life, not just relationships) is just not knowing...If something is set and scheduled, I feel better...

She was all like "oh crap, but his schedule matches yours. That means he's only available when you are." And I told her to go anyway. She thanked me. I feel kind of manipulated, but I don't think she was consciously manipulating me, so I'll forgive it. But I really don't know how to handle it. Maybe I should just put the brakes on all the way and be like "No. Not right now. Now, we need to talk, we need to heal, and we need to be stable and comfortable and okay for at least a couple of months before we consider any of this shit, or before you even start trying to set up any other relationships."
ok my take (and I haven't read the whole thread) is that you guys really need to sit down together and figure out what is going to happen moving forward. Discuss what you want, what she wants and hopefully find something you can work with. If you are mono, and want a mono relationship and she isn't. Then you really need to figure stuff out.

Everything reads as really chaotic and tumultuous. I think you two need to bring things down a few decibels if you get my meaning.

On the contrary, part of me just wants to fuck it and let it go to the winds. I am actually considering telling her to take some condoms with and fuck his brains out. I think it would be easier and far less painful just to do it than to fight it like this. And maybe the outcome would be good. Maybe she wouldn't feel fulfilled and decide to take it slow. Maybe she'd love it, get the need out of her system, and be able to focus on healing. Or maybe she'll love it, and do it again and again, and maybe I'd keep just letting her and let her spend the night away and then I'll spend all my time alone so I don't have to deal with it.
Playing with fire here. Physical connections can really, especially in NRE, throw things into a tailspin. I still say you need to take a few days and talk. Read literature and figure out exactly what you both want. If you don't have that clearly decided then everything will continue to be confusing and painful.

The only real problem for me is that I pretty much killed my social life around the time when I married her, partially because of time obligations, and partly because I needed to focus on her and help her overcome some problems she was facing early on in our relationship. Now I have no place to go but to her or her friends, and that whole situation is filled with nothing but painful reminders of my social life past, and of her exploration into territories I cannot follow her into. So I have no choice but to either spend all my time with her and/or her friends, or to spend all my time alone. For now. I'll make new friends, and I'll rekindle old friendships, and I'll be okay enough that I could get by spending time away from her to allow her to spend time with her friends and spend time fucking other guys/girls. Maybe I'd even become comfortable with it. Maybe I'd even encourage it. Maybe I'd even do it myself. I don't know. Always in motion is the future.
All I can say to this is, shitty. I did this with my first wife and vowed never to do it again. Your friends are there to help you, if you are married and there are health problems, for example, they should be there to prop you up while you are helping your wife.

In fact I am...working with my wife on this. I was her first serious relationship and she relies on me exclusively for good friendship. She really needs to have a strong base of friends around her, I truly believe in friends. I don't run around grabbing people and making friends, but I do believe in friendship.

My only...warning to you rekindling old friendships is how they may react to your situation. When you first rekindle you will be inclined to talk about stuff. Unless your friends are aware of how open relationships work you may not have a support crew in the direction you want (obviously depends on the direction)...

Maybe I'll tell her to fuck him and to make it a one-night stand, just to get it out of her system. Tell her to fuck him all she wants for the rest of the week, and then cut off all communication after that. I think that might insult her, though. I'm fucked if I know what to do or say. I just wish I could let go, find somebody else, have her find somebody else, and have a nice poly double v going on. Or a four-way. I dunno. Whatever the case, I just don't know. I just want her to be happy, and I want to be happy, and I'm tired of this bullshit drama.

if you partially give her what she wants and then you cut her off, who is she going to resent? first...then decide what you both want, then move forward with whatever you figure out.

Oh and as for finding a poly rebound for your emotions...and trust me, I wanted to find a new third to rebound from my ex...badly...I am glad I didn't. Imagine another set of emotions coming into your relationship muddling the already muddy waters. Wow...all I can think of is explosive. KISS...

Good luck
Reply With Quote