I feel like BOTH of us are at the same point. Neither of us wants to go through the mourning process. The process of not having someone in your life.
I heard a great talk about this in meditation last night. my teacher feels that it is fundamental to go through all the stages of mourning in order to move forward. I think I am "stalled" in my mourning because of trauma at an early age and then a mess of people dying in my forties. I think at a certain point, my entire body and soul just said, I'm not going to fucking moron anymore - so I lost the capability to do it. Ironically. I would get through this if this person would just go away for awhile but he won't' and I am put in the impossible position of making the boundary.