Wasn't looking forward to having the hard talk with Ginger about all this. I didn't make the talk happen in person 2 nights ago though, so I did it online in chat yesterday morning, and more in the late afternoon.
I felt very depressed all day. Talking things over with him is hard because of his Asperger's.
I know it's not on him to make me feel better, less threatened, less powerless. I have to do it myself. Get clear about my feelings, learn coping skills for this new challenge of him power-dating, draw some boundaries.
So after a long talk, like 2 hours, in the morning, I said I was done for now, and we stopped. I ran a couple errands outside the house that had to be done, then I laid around the house like a dark storm cloud for 3 1/2 hours. Barely ate, couldn't sleep when I tried, didn't exercise or do housework, didnt talk to miss pixi. Just laid there curled in a ball, mourning, grieving, feeling like shit.
Finally I felt able to talk to miss p, who was willing and eager to help. She was very helpful, and told me some of the coping skills she'd learned when I was power dating.
We talked about Ginger's amazing sexual charisma, which I see when he and I go out, and which these women, Mischa and now Buddhist, are feeling (and of course, that miss p and I feel as well). I have witnessed women, acquaintances of his, or complete strangers such as saleswomen, go all fluttery and shy and looking up from under their eyelashes, and giggling and shuffling their feet and giving him compliments, over and over. Often I can tell he is in his own little world and unaware, other times I see him turn up the power a tad, and I witness the women getting even more twitterpated.
He's very tall, 6'2". Has not gone bald and has shoulder length curls. He looks younger than his 61 years. He has strong handsome facial features (not movie star pretty, kind of craggy), with a nicely trimmed goatee. He dresses in colors and shapes flattering to his figure and coloring (he's an artist, he knows what he is doing). He's also a classic Scorpio and has this intense gaze that makes women weak in the knees. He gives off a relaxed and confident vibe.
It's pretty amazing. I call it being a rock star. I came to this realization last summer at a big drum fest we went to. I might've written about it here when it happened.
...That makes me "the rock star's wife." And how does a rock star's wife deal with the legions of wet pantied groupies?
This I asked miss p. I mean, I've felt like a rock star from time to time in my life,. When I was younger I was slender and had long blonde hair, fairly pretty, or cute. I've felt lauded when I've been a successful student, good at English, foreign language, History, art. And for the last 25 years when I am at my volunteer work as a lactation specialist, and new moms are asking my advice, and they and my co-workers compliment me on my encyclopedic knowledge of breastfeeding and parenting. And also, when I was first on okc and power dating, back in 2009-2011.
I also might have had one rock star type bf back before I met my ex h, but I was unaware of how others saw him til after we broke up.
So, these are miss p's coping skills:
First of all, she always felt secure in our relationship, felt loved, felt I took care of her while in NRE so she didnt feel left out. That was the basis of dealing with it.
Second of all, she felt kind of thrilled to be a partner of a "rock star." She's experienced it with others besides me. You watch the others crave your partner and feel flattered to think, "Yeah, I'm regularly hitting that ass you all want, suckers." You bask in reflected glory.
Third, she made a habit of not really "paying attention" to any new people I was chatting with or just starting to date, because so many fizzle out. No use getting upset when that person might just fade away in a week or two.
Fourth, she'd think maybe she would get a new friend out of the deal, if a person stuck around and she'd get to meet them.
So, it was comforting to have this talk. Then we took a break, I managed to eat a little dinner, then I chatted Ginger and told him some of what miss p and I talked about.
HOWEVER! (to be continued)...
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley
me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):