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Old 01-07-2014, 02:16 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,362

In the end, over a few days, she said she cried, worked hard with him to figure things out and finally came to the conclusion that out of love for him, she wanted him to have this relationship with me. True gift of polyamory. One condition, that she tell me herself (she knew I wouldn't believe him without her blessing) and his secondary before we went forward. He agreed. He continued to nag her and pester her to do communicate & tell me what was going on.
That does not sound like she wants to participate in metamourship with you and concurrent lover-ing with him out of joy. It sounds like she folded so she can get on to seeing her own OSO and/or stop being harangued by her husband. The tit-for-tat scorekeeping games seem to continue there.

Given that he KEEPS ON pestering her because she's not doing it "fast enough" for him? UGH. He sounds like a bully. "If you REALLY loved me you would..." He doesn't sound like he wants to accept that she doesn't want to go there at this time or needs healing herself. He wants to get his cookies.

She did not encourage me to talk to him and I think (my guess) is she is relieved that I am out of the picture. However, she made a statement that, it would have made her life easier to spend time her with secondary if her primary was busy with me.
You do not exist to be a "gap filler" or as a "distraction/toy" for him so she can be free of bullying from her husband or go play with her OSO.

Notice she does NOT encourage clear communication in that sentence while complaining that you did not "disclose enough" in this one:
Although she admitted we had both been open about our communication & relationship, I, personally, I had not shared with her my deep feelings for him
There's a lot of weird there still. These people have weak personal boundaries.

She doesn't sound like she's after returning to right relationship with you or helping reassure/alleviate any of your pain. She sounds like she's after cookies for her -- relief from husband bullying/free to see her OSO.

I don't blame her for wanting peace of ANY kind in her life if she's living with a bullying dude like that, but that doesn't mean YOU have to go back to that!

What do I do? I love him. I miss him. I want a relationship.
Of course you do. Those are appropriate feelings to be having just after a break up. But in your behavior? You could listen to your gut the first time and obey your own personal limits. Here was your limit:

I said no. I was too hurt & didn't need to submit myself to any further damage.
You did not obey your limit and let her talk to you. And where are you now? Upset and confused. In other words -- more hit points. You let yourself be dinged again by these people.

Here is what you could do moving forward in your behavior. Feel whatever you feel along the way but in your conduct?
  • You could not go back to wacky town and obey your own limits.
  • You could continue to love him from afar to give yourself the time to detach/let the love fade.
  • You could continue to miss him from afar in the meanwhile and be ok missing him. Time will fade that down too if you LET it.
  • You could accept these two are NOT healthy people and that you are best out of the line of fire at this time. Not talk to either of them.
  • You could continue to want a relationship, and seek SOMEONE ELSE to have it with who is healthier, of stronger character, and will treat you kindly.

This is still fresh for you -- give it time to die down.

Could keep your OWN stress low. Could seek more fulfilling and less wacky relationships for your own romances.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-07-2014 at 02:36 PM.
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