Side step for a few minutes.
OKE never called to set up Saturday night.
OKJ rescheduled Sunday to Wednesday, he has studying to do for a test this week.
I have been in contact with Prof. He texted me last Monday, was having a BDSM play party and wanted me to go. Errm no.
I saw him on Saturday, I asked him straight up about the need for more sex partners. I told him that I thought he had plenty of available sex partners (BDSM play group all willing and able )and sex, why would he want more? He said he is 54 and is scared he is running out sex things to do and try. He said he liked me cause I was open to trying pretty much anything, we had done lots of firsts together, when he thought he had run out of firsts and the sex was fantastic, he loved the emotional connection. I told him that he is not allowed emotional connections,( yes, bitchy) he said he wasn't expecting it but it happened anyway.
"Then why the need for more people?" He said he didn't think I would stick around for that long as I was looking for more than he could offer time wise, he knew I was meeting people and was interviewing to fill what he thought would soon be a vacancy.
I asked him what was left to try sexually, he said fmf and a couple swing. I said he has all these play partners and bisexual friends and S who must be willing to do those things and had in the past. He said he didn't want them to be the first, he wanted it to be me. Hence last weeks text. He hasn't given up. Interesting and confusing.
Back to Kip...
"What are you looking for with the 2 new women, Delta and Ivy?" ( Hey, I am getting better at the nicknames. ) Delta is less likely, Ivy is interested in learning about subbing and he wants to try that out with her. He talked about Ivy, very excited
Compersion from me, I am genuinely happy that he is excited and looking forward to seeing what develops.
He said he isn't looking for emotional connections with anyone and that included me. He didn't really understand how it had got to relationship conversations and an emotional connection because usually at the first sign of that he cuts them off. He said he never buys presents, not birthdays, not Christmas for anyone he is seeing. Never gives them things, or money, doesn't listen to them cry over deaths of people and pets. Is not there for them on any level above sex and chit chat. He usually remains friendly with exes, continues to email and chat. He tells anyone he sleeps with that he is seeing other people and either they deal or don't. One poignant thing that stuck out with me was that once the sex starts he doesn't take them out to eat anymore, it is sex and then leaves.
For the first few months we were seeing each other it was the same. Sex then leave, then it was sex and lunch, then it was sex and tea and chatting in bed, then sex and sleeping and holding, then tea or lunch. I didn't ask for it. I offered tea of course but he always refused. One day he accepted, maybe 4-5 months into it. Over the past few months he has said that holding and cuddling is his favorite part of meeting, it is not just sex for him anymore.
So back to the "why lie to me" question. Same responses as above, he doesn't want to lose me. Enjoys that we have gone further and deeper, wants to keep that but still enjoy the online piece and explore dom and subbing. Also, same as Prof, he knew I was looking for someone with more time and literally said he is interviewing for the perceived future vacancy. He was only doing online sex and coffee dates for the past 5 months up until I started meeting rugby guy, then he started looking for a replacement sex partner in earnest
He admitted to being insecure, worried that he would lose me and worried that he never worried about losing anyone before. He liked, but was scared by, the emotional connection part and reiterated that the connection and communication we had had not existed with anyone before. First sign of it and off he went. He brought the tennis accident and the trip to the ER, and again said he wouldn't have done that for anyone else.
"What about the wife, isn't that an active open relationship, you are not cheating on her, she knows, right?" Reply, yes, she knows, the marriage is crumbling, she doesn't like the amount of online that he does, know about some, not all of the meets. The marriage was open from the start but she isn't happy about it and there is resentment on both sides. She thought he would give up the "side dishes". They have only been married 5 years.
As he was leaving he said, I want to take you to play tennis soon. He gave me his old bag and raquet today. His idea of old and mine are apparently about a whole lot of holes and dirt different, the stuff is like new. So, he wants to take me out and still do hotel night.
He was smiling, he looked happy and relieved.
Interesting, lots to think about. One thing that sticks out is he and Prof both were/ are acting from a place of fear of loss. Both said they were "interviewing for replacements", as they were worried I was going to leave them. They both have primary relationships, I am the side dish. Why the fear? Neither of them have has had a shortage of willing partners. Is it all baloney? Some it if baloney? Are they telling me what they think I want to hear?
If nothing else, it is a steep communication learning curve for me. I am glad I didn't just bail and am working through it. It might still all end up in break-up. My brain is fried, I need to watch some tv and veg out.