Not gonna lie, the concept is making me ill, too. I've been ill for a couple weeks over it. Every day, I sit at my desk at work, unable to connect to my wife and talk through stuff with her, and I feel sick. And I work. And I just keep going because I know eventually we'll hit something big and something good will happen and we'll get to feel good. We hit that a week ago, where we both felt at ease and comfortable and good. This was during her spring break. Then, the stress of yesterday tore everything up again. I spent all of yesterday nursing a ten-and-a-half-page angry letter about how I was feeling, and spent all that time trying to figure out how to change what I was saying and feeling into nice things and into "I" language. And it worked. And I felt better, until I saw how chummy she's getting with this new guy already. Then it started all over again.
I hope she's willing to talk to me about all of this tomorrow while I'm at work, because she has the day off, and her only plans tomorrow are with this new guy, and only tentative, and only even close to reality because I let her.
She was all like "oh crap, but his schedule matches yours. That means he's only available when you are." And I told her to go anyway. She thanked me. I feel kind of manipulated, but I don't think she was consciously manipulating me, so I'll forgive it. But I really don't know how to handle it. Maybe I should just put the brakes on all the way and be like "No. Not right now. Now, we need to talk, we need to heal, and we need to be stable and comfortable and okay for at least a couple of months before we consider any of this shit, or before you even start trying to set up any other relationships."
On the contrary, part of me just wants to fuck it and let it go to the winds. I am actually considering telling her to take some condoms with and fuck his brains out. I think it would be easier and far less painful just to do it than to fight it like this. And maybe the outcome would be good. Maybe she wouldn't feel fulfilled and decide to take it slow. Maybe she'd love it, get the need out of her system, and be able to focus on healing. Or maybe she'll love it, and do it again and again, and maybe I'd keep just letting her and let her spend the night away and then I'll spend all my time alone so I don't have to deal with it.
The only real problem for me is that I pretty much killed my social life around the time when I married her, partially because of time obligations, and partly because I needed to focus on her and help her overcome some problems she was facing early on in our relationship. Now I have no place to go but to her or her friends, and that whole situation is filled with nothing but painful reminders of my social life past, and of her exploration into territories I cannot follow her into. So I have no choice but to either spend all my time with her and/or her friends, or to spend all my time alone. For now. I'll make new friends, and I'll rekindle old friendships, and I'll be okay enough that I could get by spending time away from her to allow her to spend time with her friends and spend time fucking other guys/girls. Maybe I'd even become comfortable with it. Maybe I'd even encourage it. Maybe I'd even do it myself. I don't know. Always in motion is the future.
Maybe I'll tell her to fuck him and to make it a one-night stand, just to get it out of her system. Tell her to fuck him all she wants for the rest of the week, and then cut off all communication after that. I think that might insult her, though. I'm fucked if I know what to do or say. I just wish I could let go, find somebody else, have her find somebody else, and have a nice poly double v going on. Or a four-way. I dunno. Whatever the case, I just don't know. I just want her to be happy, and I want to be happy, and I'm tired of this bullshit drama.
Last edited by SimpleSimian; 04-06-2010 at 03:59 PM.