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Old 01-07-2014, 12:22 AM
Firelight Firelight is offline
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 9
Default More confusion: what do I do now?

UPDATE: I received a message from his primary, my friend, a few days after he broke up with me, asking if I was okay. She asked if she could share her feelings on it now that he had decided to not pursue a relationship and I assumed because she wanted to explain why she "vetoed". I said no. I was too hurt & didn't need to submit myself to any further damage.

A month goes by, there is some small contact between her and I over the holidays. She asks if we can talk about her feelings about what happened. I agree. Very apprehensive.

She tells me that she did not veto the relationship. She tells me that she was very upset and needed time to work through her primary having relationship with me. She felt hurt and upset because we had "betrayed" her (her words). Although she admitted we had both been open about our communication & relationship, I, personally, I had not shared with her my deep feelings for him. She felted hurt by this since we are friends.

She also told me that she wasn't sure she could handle him being with me. She was fearful of him leaving her for me. Listing a number of reasons... younger, more in common... etc. None of which I believe are threatening on any level. I thought I would enhance their relationship. Not threaten it. I was confused by this.

In the end, over a few days, she said she cried, worked hard with him to figure things out and finally came to the conclusion that out of love for him, she wanted him to have this relationship with me. True gift of polyamory. One condition, that she tell me herself (she knew I wouldn't believe him without her blessing) and his secondary before we went forward. He agreed. He continued to nag her and pester her to do communicate & tell me what was going on. She got very frustrated with him but still agreed that this is what she would do. She communicated to the secondary and then was about to proceed to tell me what was going on and he turned around and told her that he had broken up with me over the phone that day. He had gone to a counsellor that day and the counsellor (not a poly counsellor) had advised him that he had to make a choice between me or his other relationships. That I had "broken the girl code" of trying to have a relationship with my best friend's husband. I was so confused by this since we're talking polyamory. Not monogamy here. Everything was open. It was not a competition!

Here I am now. Starting to re-connect a fragile relationship with her (she said she is having a hard time trusting me). According to her, he has been distant & quiet for weeks stating he misses me but he is getting better.

She did not encourage me to talk to him and I think (my guess) is she is relieved that I am out of the picture. However, she made a statement that, it would have made her life easier to spend time her with secondary if her primary was busy with me. I told her that I had visions of how it all would work and how disappointed I am. I also told her that he has to take responsibility for his decisions. She said that he has made quick flippant decisions like this before based on her "mood" or reaction to something he said or did.

Key part of this is that this is one side of the story. I do not have any information or insight from his side at all.

What do I do? I love him. I miss him. I want a relationship. I am scared. I don't know what to do. Do I talk to her? Do I contact him? Do I leave it alone as previously recommended on this thread? Run away from it? Move onto less complicated relationships? Help!

Last edited by Firelight; 01-07-2014 at 12:35 AM.
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