The thing is, while that may be what's best for me in the long-term, I really don't feel like it is. This whole thing is pretty recent, and pretty new, and we got along pretty well for a very long time before this, and we still get along pretty well, just being depressed while getting along.
I really don't want that to be the answer, especially not now, especially not just after we got a brand new apartment together, in the city, and are moving there April 15th. Especially not after she has found a life she can be happy with, for the most part (provided she keeps it free of this kind of drama), friends she can trust, and is doing what she loves. Especially not after I've supported her through all her growth thus far. Especially not because she and I plan on building a spaceship together someday.
There is so much more to lose by leaving her than I could possibly gain. I really think she is the best person in the world for me, and I know I won't be happier with anybody else, I just need to work some things out with her and learn to accept her for who she is, the person I love, instead of trying to change her into somebody else.
I really don't know. Oh boy, is there ever going to be a huge talk about all of this. Big talks have pretty much been the order of the day for the last week. Until yesterday, when big talks became too tiring to go through, and so they happen in pieces instead of all at once. And I feel I should make it clear that I'm the one starting the big talks. This isn't a nagging wife sort of thing. It's me deciding I have too many conflicting emotions and thoughts and am perceiving too many problems with the way things work, and that I need to talk about them, or else I'll just sit there, building a huge depression, becoming irrationally angry at work when on the phone with customers, and all sorts of other things I would like to avoid. I'm talking so I can avoid further problems. I'm attacking what I see as the cause of particular emotions and trying to root them out so they can fade away, and I wish she would introspect like me and do the same, so we can both heal. But I need to do it for her, because she is tired of having feelings and spends most of her time dissociated or trying to dissociate so she doesn't have to deal with the overwhelming soul-crushing pain.
I think maybe after some reorganising and after we get settled in our new place and get a new, better schedule going, maybe we can figure things out and make this work. I really do appreciate your advice, and I do feel it. I agree with your ideas, as they are what I would tell anyone else in my situation as well...but I just can't leave her. We got married for a reason. And she promised me I would never have to go through a divorce, which was the one thing keeping me from marrying her -- the fear that I would end up just like everybody else who gets married: divorced. I wanted to avoid marriage altogether, but to be honest, the benefits are great enough that combined with the promise of never getting divorced, I feel pretty secure. I know she won't leave me for other guys, but she might leave me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and that's what I'm afraid of. She might still come home to me on occasion, but I'm afraid she'll grow away from needing me and find her happiness amongst the shared admiration of several other men and women, and no longer need me for the purpose of anything other than physical stability.
I am so full of fear. I would make a horrible Jedi trainee.
Last edited by SimpleSimian; 04-06-2010 at 03:38 PM.