Thinking a lot about the scarcity / abundance theory lately. I would love, so much, to view my life as being abundant with love, friendship and all sorts of good stuff. Because it IS. Yet it seems so very hard to shake the feelings of being neglected, of not being wanted, of there not being enough.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get there, if the wounds from childhood and early adulthood will ever heal, if the insecurities will ever transform into feeling good about myself?
I still haven't contacted C. I feel I should, I feel I should say something, ask him questions, force progress. But maybe I don't have to, really, maybe I should just let things be? Feels like a cop out.
MrBrown stood me up today. Well, tbh, he cancelled an hour before our date. Did not pick up the phone when I called him in response to his cancellation text. He's been 'gone' the past couple of weeks - not responding to messages, communicating just enough to keep me hanging, but without meaning or content. I keep making excuses for him, but how long am I going to let myself be used this way? Ugh.
Have a date with Scin tomorrow. I doubt there will be anything romantic or sexy - but I'm looking forward to seeing him, hearing his perspective on things, hear how he's been.
Things with Brig are good - but even there I seem to be able to mess things up. It's like it's too comfortable, too easy, I feel like we should talk about what we are doing or where we are going. While when I tell my friends about him, I say that what I like about the relationship, is the absence of these talks. Ugh! I wish I could stop making things so difficult. I know I can. I'm just having a hard time with it and feel flooded by insecurities and a general feeling of unsafety.
One thing I know is that I want to spend more time with me. Turn inward more, instead of looking for validation from others. It's my ongoing battle and I make progress, even though the progress is going so very very slow.
Cleo - forties straight female
Ren - husband of 20 + years
Bo - BF of 2 + years