I on the other hand, feel trapped not being able to tell anyone (or very few people.) And that fear has kept me from building a solid support system.
What's the fear about?
- Is that internal lack of willingness to tell? What blocks you in your willingness?
- Or lack of ability to tell? What blocks you in your ability?
If I tell _____ that I am polyshipping, ______ could happen. This is bad because then I might have to deal with _________.
How would you fill in the blanks?
I would suggest that you could flip it. Build the community support. THEN attempt to polyship. Not polyship and then build the support. Because if/ when the fit hits the shan -- then you would have help in place on the local level.
I will also start looking for another partner so that I don't put all the pressure on Beth (and myself!)
What pressure are you putting on her? To be truthy and ethical in her relating?
At this point in time, I would find it pretty off putting to date you if I'm just supposed to be your "stress reliever" so I can enable you to continue with Beth and Mark and the lies of omission. What kind of cookies is that for me? I'd run for the hills to get away from this drama. Honest people won't flock to this.
You could be tempted to make NEW lies of omission with the new person to lure them in, or you will attract even unhealthier people who are ok with this setup because they are used to even worse crazy. That doesn't sounds like yummy cookies for YOU.
I suggest you consider looking at your dimensions of wellness -- you have several layers there going untended.
Beth and I visited my therapist and we had a good discussion of how we might be able to proceed in this relationship.
relationship? (You + Beth) tier only? Or (you + Beth + Mark) in polyship tier of the polymath?
You do not say "Beth and I went to the counselor to form a plan for telling Mark." Are you on that path? I sure hope so. Because if not?
When you say you are avoiding conflict? If you are not doing behavior to help clarify current conflict or prevent more future conflict with Mark? He's the one who has been trespassed upon. And really what you are avoiding is coming clean
. You are avoiding doing conflict resolution.
You are extending or creating conflict, not avoiding it. Could not go on that path.
I told her that I want to try to make this work, try to to do poly in an honest way. But didn't know how to as long as I know there is deceit involved. I was very calm and said, "I want all of us to have our needs met. You need to be willing to let me go if that is the most healthy way to proceed."
That sounded like you don't want to be in dishonest polyship any more. You don't want to be here like this but you don't want to be the "bad guy" who does the break up either. You want her to make it go away and fix it. Or for her to do the breaking up and fix it for you that way. So that you do not have to take up personal emotional responsibility here for you having co-created this situation with your behavior.
When do you take emotional responsibility? And own it? You could decide that today.
could follow through on your want of "I don't want to be in dishonest polyship any more."
could break up with them.
Because it isn't a bad thing to decide to remove yourself from a bad situation. You are not "doing bad behavior" to anyone when you to decide to stop lying and stop participating in a polyship that has lies in it. But I don't see how it is you choosing to do good behavior for yourself if you are choosing to continue participating in dishonesty. That is you dinging your own spiritual health.
You could do better by you and choose more self respecting behaviors for yourself.
My goal this year is to shift some of my energy into building a community that will support me. I will sit down with Mark and Beth and we will finally discuss what our little vee should look like.
Could you clarify WHEN you plan to talk to Mark and Beth? It takes a year to do this?
And WHAT you will be covering? Where you do stand on that at this point in time?
Your current plan is for YOU (not Beth, not Mark, but YOU in YOUR behavior) to ...
- end the lies and come clean by X date?
- Ask if they want to disband the polyship due the previous lying behavior. Will you be exes and friends or exes only?
- Ask if they want to try to heal and continue polyshipping but in a healthier way?
- end both lies AND polyshipping with them by X date?
- Not bother to ask about trying to heal and continue it. Just end it.
- Do neither -- do not own up to the lies, do not end the polyship at this time.
- Let it ride til X date while forming polysupport and dating to create the exit affair in the meanwhile?
- Something else?
I'd like to try to be supportive and encouraging but I'm lost as to where you are at with this. Could you be willing to clarify?