So since my wife took care of that, I'm not going to.
Instead, I'm going to post an update. I'm sad.
My wife talked to the guy's girlfriend, and the two of them hit it off pretty well and talked about some really big, important things that were driving a wedge into their relationship. They are pretty much the same things that were nagging at me, but I talked about them with my SO, whereas the guy my wife likes did not talk about them with his SO.
They were all due to hang out yesterday and talk about things, as set-up by the guy's girlfriend and my wife, but the guy lied and told my wife he couldn't, and told his girlfriend that my wife said she was busy, when, in fact, they were supposed to be talking things out all afternoon yesterday.
My wife was completely crushed by this, and has lost all faith in her relationship with this guy. And I've lost a lot of faith in it, too (though not as much because I understand where he's coming from -- I just think he's immature for not standing up and addressing problems he knows are there). She is so heartbroken. The air around her feels depressingly dark, and it's really sad. It's as though all her energy and happiness has been drained out of her. She isn't sleeping, and she isn't eating, and she's falling into a huge depression.
Also, to make matters worse, she met another guy who she really hit it off with. Yesterday, during the time in which she and the guy she liked and his girlfriend were all supposed to be hanging out. It's clear he's smitten with her right from the start by how he's willing to go out of his way to make her feel better and how he's willing to drive out from the city to the suburbs tomorrow evening so they can hang out. It's also clear that my wife really likes this new guy and really wants to give him a solid chance. I've okayed this hanging out, because I know my wife needs some space, and I know she's unable to relax appropriately lately at home, though I don't know why. I'm hoping maybe this will take her mind off it some and allow her to chill out a bit. I'm making a huge leap of faith. I'm letting her spend tomorrow evening and night with a guy she barely knows, while I'll be home alone doing nothing and worrying about her. I don't think this is a good idea, and I really don't want to let her do it, I really want to demand that she spend time with me when I'm available, and when I'm not available, she can feel free to spend time with whomever she wants...but this guy's schedule almost exactly mirrors my own, meaning he's only available when I am. And I don't want to invite myself along, because I can sense that my wife really wants to be alone with this guy.
The reservations I have with my intended course of action is that she's smitten with this new guy already. She barely knows him. She's in rebound mode, and I need to help shake her out of it. I don't want her to make a big mistake and start rebounding back and forth with people she barely knows in order to use the NRE to feel better, because I know that's what it's about at this point. She likes to feel like people can fall in love with her, and she can't get that from me, since I'm already in love with her.
So I'm really worried that she's about to start into a destructive cycle that will end up leaving her even more drained than she is now. I'm worried that I need to demand that she not pursue a relationship with this new guy she met yesterday and that she take some time to sort things out and get through her feelings and accept things as they are. I feel like I should demand she and I take time to focus on us and fixing the problems that have come up between the two of us. I feel like this has all gone terribly wrong and there's nothing I can do to stop it, and all I can do is watch in horror.
She promised me she wouldn't fuck on the first date, but since she and I only managed to wait until the second date, I really don't feel good about how this will turn out. I'm really worried about it. I'm almost positive, inside my head and inside my heart, that she will end up either kissing him, giving him head or something, or getting otherwise physically close to him. And I doubt her self control to stop at that, especially right now because of how she's feeling. That, and a previously-stated unwillingness to stop at anything short of full-on sex. She and I jumped straight into it, too, so I know how it works. In fact, most of me is completely positive that she *intends* to fuck on the first date. I don't know if she intends to keep the relationship with this new guy going past that, or as anything more than "love at first sight" (lust), or if she plans to make it a one-night stand. Part of me wants to tell her to take some condoms with, put my number on speed dial (just in case he turns out to be a creepster) and just go have the fucking time of her life with this guy, so she can get it out of her system and come home and fix our relationship that I feel is broken. And I know I can look forward to helping her get through more needless heartbreak, when if I just stop her now, she only has to deal with her current heartbreak, and her discomfort at being held back for a while. Maybe I should just encourage her to have a ponn farr and go on wild fuck-a-thons for a week or two every year, to get it out of her system, and then have her come back and be monogamous or something.
And I don't understand how the two of us process things so differently. She doesn't have jealousy, and feels resentment at me for even being able to feel that particular emotional mix in the first place. She doesn't connect sex with love like I do. I love her and I try my best to show her how much through sex. She tries to communicate her love through words. She discounts the validity of sex as a method of communicating love, and I discount the validity of words as a method of communicating love. To me, talk is cheap, and you can lie so easily. To her, sex is free, and everybody wants it and does it, so how can it be an expression of love? When I have sex with somebody, I need to be in love with them, or it feels empty. Not only that, but it *hurts*. Not physically, but spiritually and emotionally. When I have sex with somebody, I remove all my social masks and emotional and spiritual protections and I'm baring my soul, and I expect my partner to do the same and connect with me through that moment of perfect unison. I don't think she feels that way about sex, and that must be why it's so easy for her to fuck other people, or even want to in the first place. I wonder if that's a common difference between polyamory and monogamy. Maybe. Though I think that's probably overgeneralising.
I am not okay with this. Let's be clear. I'm not at all okay with it. I want it to stop. I want her to stop and to take a LONG time off of polyamory until we're stable enough and she's stable enough to try again. I hope to find a way to convince her that she doesn't need to look outside our relationship for energy, because it's all right here, waiting for her to tap into it, but her depression has blinded her to it. I'm just here to support her, now, I don't think there's much romantic interest, much less any energy left to feel good on.
I'm hoping that today and tomorrow help her chill out and feel good enough that she can start tackling our problems and climbing on top of them and shouting in triumph.
But I really worry about it. I really worry about my wife. I really worry about my relationship. I really worry that she's going to become addicted to NRE, and rather than sorting through her problems and growing, she's just going to boyfriend-hop for the foreseeable future. Like she and I had both done before, and like she was doing when we met one another. I was a rebound relationship. She had just broken up with her previous boyfriend, and our second date happened the next day (I didn't know, because she didn't tell me until long afterward. I didn't know she had a boyfriend when I met her and asked her out. To be honest, that kind of behaviour is something I abhor, but I love her, and I got to keep her, so I let it go and it was no big deal.). Our second date took it all the way. I'm afraid this cycle is about to start again. I am not okay with any of this and I want it to stop. I want to close off all thoughts of polyamory until our relationship is stable and secure enough to handle it, and most of all, until *I'm* stable and secure enough to handle her being with other guys without it bringing up all kinds of jealousy and fear and insecurities and stuff. Really, if our relationship was solid, 90% of my fear and insecurity would go away. But it isn't, quite frankly, and I intend to fix that. The only problem is securing her cooperation and interest, and keeping her focussed, and keeping her depression from putting us at a stand-still.
So does anybody here have a perspective for me on this? Am I incorrect in my judgements? Am I unreasonable in my expectations, wants, and needs? Am I totally overreacting and just need to shut the fuck up and let her do whatever she wants? Am I totally irrational in my belief that happy monogamy is possible, even for polyamorous people? Am I full of shit for believing that we need to focus on us and that our relationship needs to be solid before polyamory can work and not put the relationship through so much stress that it ends up breaking?
Last edited by SimpleSimian; 04-06-2010 at 02:53 PM.