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Old 01-04-2014, 05:09 PM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Thanks a lot for your long comment, fuchka! I really appreciate it.

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Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Ah, this really rings bells for me. Sometimes I need solitude, for my own mental health - sleeping or otherwise. If I don't get space when I feel I need it, things go rough for me.

Grotto from time to time needs me to be close, to spend time "with him" when I really need to spend time by myself. This causes a lot of frustration, but it sadly boils down to him having a need that I actually can't meet.
Yes, that sounds very familiar. Hank sounds a lot like you and I sound like Grotto. I sometimes do feel like he can't meet my needs and that makes me a bit sad. I know it's not his job to fulfill my needs, but it does make me feel like his role in my life is influenced by this. Like I need to emotionally back down a bit and adjust my expectations of him.

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Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
It's hard to compromise, but it's important to find one that actually works (if possible) rather than having the horrible but so understandable situation of one person feeling obligated to go further than they are comfortable, and resenting it.
Yes, that is very true. Since we are still quite early on in our relationship, we haven't yet figured out how to handle all of these situations.

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Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Are you a heavier sleeper than he is? I'm sure you've thought of this, and maybe already do it, but depending on how he sleeps, it could be that he could sometimes sleep by you while you fall asleep, and then move to a different bed.
I am and we've sometimes done that, or at least tried. But there are two issues with it. First, Hank doesn't seem to recognize when I'm asleep and when I'm not. He starts leaving the bed when I haven't fallen asleep yet. And that kinda defeats the purpose. Second, he often needs to go to sleep before me, so that makes it impossible on those nights. Maybe we'll try again on some weekend night and he'll try to stay a bit longer to ensure I'm actually asleep when he leaves.

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Or maybe (cheesy!) he could get you a soft toy to stand in for him. It's obviously not the same as a live human beside you but I've found the symbolism can be quite powerful, when I've been missing someone.
That does seem quite nice, but if I were the one that suggested that, I don't think I could feel the symbolic value of it very genuinely. So it would have to be his idea.

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Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
You say you feel like a jerk over this, but I guess it's more a lesson for both of you than a lesson for you alone. Yeah, you did ask him to do this for you, but he also (albeit against his better judgment, perhaps) agreed. I've been in his position, and felt resentful and angry... more around the fact that I had felt pressured to abandon "my own assessment of my capacity" and replace it with "someone else's assessment of my capacity, in light of their needs", and took a risk I regretted in retrospect. In the end though, even though there can be a lot of pressure from a partner, it's your choice what you do.
Yes, that's true.

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It sounds like you and Hank have pretty good communication (and yay for the warmth of his family towards you at Christmas!) so no doubt you'll tease this one out!
Thanks! We do try our best.

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Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
I've been thinking that growing to the "boundaries" (where you are less compatible, and so experience conflict) is somewhat inevitable, when you're emotionally open to someone. Because the relationship freeranges until it hits those walls, and then it's like a puzzle you need to solve together.
Well said.
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