mixed messages and emotions
I am in a V- poly family. We're also D/s... Both are new experiences for me, and the past year or so have been interesting.
Initially, when I joined this poly family, there was my D and at that point, he had 2 other loves/subs. With the way he explained D/s to me, part of the relationship is giving him my cares to handle. He will take care of me, and i will be his, and only his, and do what he wants/needs. In regards to the /s side of things, I am naturally submissive, and there have been very few times that he's asked me to do something that I wouldn't ordinarily do.
One of his other loves ended up not happy anymore, and ended their relationship... but up until that point, and around when they split up, she would basically require him to drop whatever he was doing and attend to her (very un-D/s, but he loves her). The other is wholly dependent on him, to the point where she has her kids, and his & my kids, and him & i, but that's it. No outside family and friends. Plus she has some mental health issues, so when you put all of that together, it's a lot of stress and pressure on him to take care of her. she is not at all comfortable with the poly side of things, and it's one of many things she struggles with. if he could be mono, she would be delighted and it'd just be the two of them.
With me, I have always been dependent on me. i've never been in a relationship with a person who was willing or able to handle any emotional mess i may have going on.
So where that leaves me is
A) having a hard time opening up, because i've not really done it before (with success)
B) having a hard time opening up because i know he has to deal with his other love, and she's a lot of work. And not only her, but his kids, the other people he has in his life, work, blah blah blah.
I love him, a lot. And i love her. I'm totally cool with the poly thing, and at some point, i think i would really benefit from having a secondary, if it were in fact allowed as a part of our dynamic.
The place where I'm at right now, though, a place that I visit from time to time, is
A) anger that he hasn't helped me navigate going into a poly relationship. Issues have popped up with my family (my family has met both, and most of my family have some idea or are fully aware of the poly aspect) - and his expectations are just not the same as reality so that caused problems.
B) a little fuck you at him because there is no good balance because I can take care of myself. Sometimes i don't want to. Sometimes I want what he said Doms do - deal with the stress that comes up - decisions that come up.
C) I feel that because of the time and drama involved with the other two over the past year, I've kind of just had to roll with things. Which is generally good, just not always easy, and now always expected.
D) I feel like I need to take a step back from us, re-evaluate, and then be okay again with me not having any sort of dependence on him. Not that I want to be fully dependent... that's not something I would ever be okay with (pride, i know).
E) I'm pretty sure a part of why I work for him so well is because I am my own person, and am not dependent on him for everything. Which makes it hard for me to express when I'm feeling out about us when I want him to be all Dom-ly for me.
When I first joined his family, his current other love and i became very close friends, but then things changed (she had an emotional breakdown, quit her job) and I found that I couldn't talk to her as a friend about what's going on with me because A) she would tell him and B) her ability to handle those conversations declined greatly after a few months.
Anyone else I know who is poly is in some way attached to my Dom, and i wouldn't feel comfortable talking to them. No one in my family really understands the poly thing, and talking to them about issues is like giving a cat a dictionary.
Really I just need to be able to say this stuff sometimes. I know this is very jumbled, but I don't really have anyone to talk to.
I know these probably aren't all fair statements... this is a very small part of the pie that is our relationship. The vast majority is good, and we have been very good for each other. But every now and then, something happens, and I'm a little like fuck this shit... - not to the point of ending things, just more in like having a hissy fit as a teenage girl would.
thanks for listening. xoxo