Sometimes it seems it is necessary to pick what to be guilty for with my parents.
This weekend, being Easter, we had if all planned out that we would have Easter dinner with my parents and all four of us. I made some items to take to their house and Mono was to come too for the first time since our coming out. We were all set to go and then my brother showed up with his girlfriend. No problem, since we decided that if they show up that we are not going to drop our plans necessarily, but work around them as much as we can. We used to feel as if we should drop everything as that was the expectation.
Nerdist had an over night date with his boyfriend planned and we had to kind of skirt the topic about where he was on Friday night and why he couldn't make it for an impromptu dinner at our house. There was disappointment and confusion about why he would be out at all on a Friday, let alone over night... shouldn't he be at home with his wife and child???!!
Mono and I made dinner and everyone enjoyed themselves... my mum even helped him make one of the dishes and we later all sat around and chatted into the evening while doing a puzzle.
Because Mono had been there and because my brothers girlfriend mentioned at one point that she thought my mum was still uncomfortable a bit, we decided that Mono would now not go to the Easter dinner that was originally planned and would make other plans instead. This so as to give us all some pre Mono family time.
Well, my mum was disappointed and so was everyone else. She had gone out of the way to make it especially nice with chocolate bunnies at our place setting and the whole bit. A quick potluck dinner had turned into a big deal and we didn't know it. So we felt bad.... and were made to feel guilty because of their disappointment... so it goes in our family, one must always feel guilty and that they have disappointed in some way... it's a constant state that keeps us all balanced it seems.
We remarked later however that it felt better to feel guilty because Mono wasn't there than to feel guilty because he was there... which is what it felt like previously. A very different feeling
From now on I think we will work on manipulating situations in order to make sure we feel guilty for what we want to feel guilty about rather than what we really feel guilty about (does that make sense). My men are catching on to my survival method in my family
sad, but necessary strategy I'm afraid.
Mono showed up in time for dessert and all went well