Happy New Year ?
Hoping 2014 finds everyone better than 2013.
No Idea where my life is headed.
Obamacare wouldn't let me register for insurance saying I qualify for medicaid, but my state says no. So I'm still flying uninsured. That was so much easier when I had my ass of a spouse. I do have vision insurance, so next week I get that checked - may finally need some eyewear. Bleah.
P blames his ADD for his end our communication and relationship issues.
Our previous counselor moved on, so we got a new one. First session was Monday. So he wants to learn about out history.
Nothing like rehashing everything that hurts. For a God-lover, he was not judgmental, and we liked that he did not make us feel rushed us out when it was time to go.
P felt that since at end of session there was no time for rebuttal or his side of what I had just brought up that he was made out to be "a bad guy." I assured him I would make sure he got his say at the start of next session, whenever that might be.
When I brought up my feelings about his seeking "enticing" women on OKC, he talked about how he connects more easily with women. NP, I connect more easily with men. He mentioned how he has few to no friends and OKC gives him a chance to make connections. But why does it have to be only with women that he might be "enticed" by? I didn't bring it up, but wonder why he can't he find a photography or brewing or journalism forum and find folks there to talk to, folks who aren't specifically seeking emotional and physical connections, (and folks who can't look at his Q's and see that he likes oral sex or the like?)
When we left, there was no one at desk to make next appt, so I wonder if it will even be on his radar to do so or if I have be the bitch and stay on top of him to do so? (his EAP sessions, he has to make the appts) He didnt try to hols my hand on way out or ask to chat for a bit, though it WAS freaking cold. So I got in my car and drove home. No kiss goodbye. No comfort or reassurance. Felt like crap!!!!!!!!!!!!
In session P admitted that he and his wife have a just friends relationship. Described as Best friends. And yet 99% of what I hear from him about her even after he agreed not to discuss his marital frustrations with me is about how he has to drop everything and haul her ass around and how she doesn't show any appreciation for him. I know he occasionally asks me to reassure him that I love him. Only once in 2.5 years did he ever mention that she said she loved him & that was after her long term affair become poly bf dumped her. So later I messaged and asked (if he were comfortable answering) if she replies in the affirmative if he ever asks her the same Q. He said she only replies "yes" and then he came back and added, but never says "I love you." I thanked him for being comfortable answering. Then he backpedaled, and justified her actions/inactions in that regard that she wasn't from a family that expressed emotion. I wish he had just left it as she replies "Yes."
He has agreed that next time we get together that the FIRST thing we will do is start working on that relationship agreement, that he has promised so many other times. We shall see if that actually happens, or if once again everything else is more important than actually defining where we are. Blames ADD, and me for not reminding him. Just J... C....., I HAVE reminded & begged.
I did reminders and begging too freaking much with my ex. I am NOT the man's parent. I am NOT responsible for him. HE decides what his his priorities are.
When I got home I was cold and emotionally numb. He messages and asked how I was. I told him, Feeling like it was the end come closer. I want to trust him. But even the last night he was here, and I saw OKC as the top website he visits online when he went to google, it crushed me, and I guess I really dont trust I wont be hurt again as much I intellectually want to trust unconditionally. He is unwilling to tangibly rebuild that in a way I can relate to. So I guess it would be best to say goodbye to the thought of us being partners? He disagreed.
**** I'm not throwing in towel and walking away. but if that is what it takes for us both to find happiness, we will decide together.
Tuesday came. Along with it a visit from my last lover, whom I have not seen in person in almost 4 years. We had a nice lunch, then P came to the house and the boys had a beer and we talked.
And I rubbed their feet. I had never before rubbed feet from two different people at once. It was fascial comparison heaven. For a few moments before they left we found ourselves all 3 on the couch, and I got them both stroking my hair. Heavenly!!!!!! even if for less a minute.
**** I don't want sexual poly, but neither do I want to give up moments like that. I doubt I would ever willingly get moments like that from a massively mono partner.
Our intention has been earlier lunch, boys for a beer, and then P and I talk us. But visitor arrived late, and the beer & chat ended up lasting until P needed to leave as well. Sigh. At least it was a nice afternoon.
P left first (had to get the wife "and drag her ass around" - sigh, why did he have to add that disparaging remark in.) Visitor have me a kiss, a nice hug, with a grope and a grind. As much as he had been a top lover and is very much in my heart - I don't wanna go that route again with him unless he could be a full partner and not in a position to be hurting his platonic partner with the relationship (she was the one ok with either love or sex, but not both with same other.) I *was* aroused when visitor left, but the desire was only for P.
But there was to be no time to lament, because the bell rang. Dinner with a boy who had crushed on me 27 years ago and just recently joined Facebook and looked me up. Flowers, very sweet. Nice dinner. Stayed and watched Strange Brew, and we caught up on our lives. Was so glad I had hadn't had sex with him back then - turn out he had the clap at the time he was pursuing me.
It was very nice to think that he carried a torch and the memories for all these years. And a bit sad that it was for someone who did not in return. He was so touched that he almost cried when I said I still had his mother's stamp collection that he had given me.
**** I'm not that special, or at least I don't see myself as that special.
I was honest about having lived poly and being mildly domme. He said he didn't believe me, that I was pulling his leg. Sigh. I wasn't about to take him upstairs & show him the bag o' toys or the restraints attached to the bed, but I did show him a couple pics of me with kissing a another guy while the (ex)hubby sat smiling at us. His choice to disbelieve.
A nice evening. Connecting as friends. Nothing romantic. Nothing sexual. A buddy hug when he left. I hope he finds love, and I hope he does call again. Was a very relaxed time.