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Old 01-02-2014, 02:06 AM
FarAwayLover FarAwayLover is offline
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Boston
Posts: 45
Default JP using work e-mail and "secrecy"

Hi! I'm going to respond to some comments that have been made earlier.

From 12/6, from Galagirl
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I find it interesting he has to email from work and keep that hidden
JP has what both B and I think is a screwy way of handling e-mail. He only has the one account - his account at work. No personal account of his own. I guess this is what happens to some folks who have been in one job forever. I'm pretty sure I didn't get a personal e-mail account of my own until I got laid off from an 11-year job in 2000. If he writes from home, he uses his wife's account. So, during the week, he wrote from work. The weekend writing started the second weekend. During the weekends, he wrote from home.

From 11/27, from pullman
Originally Posted by pulliman View Post
JP does deserve some blame for not quickly saying "Hey, I've found Person-From-My-Past-X, let me tell you about her!" and having A respond to it honestly and deeply and in the moment. Waiting did make it worse. To her, it was an affair. That's her baggage to claim, open up, and air out, but it's his place in a marriage to be considerate and respectful and compassionate. He wasn't but he got around to it soon enough. I think your reading about poly helped him, because it got you to insist on an honesty that is important.
From 11/27, from Norwegianpoly
Originally Posted by Norwegianpoly View Post
It don't totally see the accusations about "secrecry". He told his wife the moment he realized it was something more than friendship going on, what more can anyone do? Especially when they do not expect polyamory.
I did tell B that I go this LinkedIn invitation and followup e-mail from JP when the first e-mail appeared. Didn't tell him right away that we were writing back and forth. Before the first week was over, I told JP that I felt like cheating on B to even be writing. He didn't get it at first. Nothing we are doing could possibly be construed as cheating, there's no way we could ever be physical lovers again, we're both committed to our spouses, yada yada yada. Told him it was _emotional_, that I was spending entirely too much time thinking about him and what to write next. OK, that makes sense. Ditto. I'll tell A and you tell B. Not sure exactly what he told A, but I was told that she was like "whatever". So he told her _something_, but didn't keep updating her.

It took me a couple more days to tell B, since I was trying to find a good time, He seemed OK with it. As time went on, he was viewing it as a soap opera, wondering what the next installment would be, but seeing himself as as spectator. He could tell I was having a good time.

From what I can tell from JP's description, A can be set off quite easily. She's a redhead, and he says there was a time when a crying baby would drive her nuts. They used to have explosive disagreements early in the marriage - not so much lately. But with that history, he kept being reluctant to tell A much of what was going on. He kept on being afraid she would lose it. A self-fulfilling prophecy, but I don't know if there was a way to avoid it.

Some of this was a sin of omission. She apparently got it into her head that the only e-mail correspondence was what was going through her home account. Both JP and I would refer to things we'd said in other messages, so if one bothered to read the messages, you would realize that something was missing. But I gather she was trusting and didn't feel the need to to read the messages.
Thanks for all the support! In the meantime, I've joined and have done _lots_ of reading here!

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