Happy New Year to all! I hope that each of you is starting the year the way you wish it to go. It's something I've been thinking about frequently the last few days. If I wish my life to go a certain way, then I should live it to move in that direction and treat it as an expectation instead of a wish.
It's been a ticklish last few days. I surprise myself sometimes. So many months of working through my jealousy and insecurities about him having a long-term relationship with someone and being okay with "just sex", only to find myself now feeling jealousy over the idea of a fling and sympathetic about a relationship. Good grief!
Leo was joking the other day about having a threesome with a couple of girls that have been trying to get his attention, and despite knowing he won't go there, the jealousy sniped me. Yet, he talks to me about his prospective gf, J, and I'm sympathetic and making suggestions. I doubt she will be a prospective much longer, however. He's feeling as though she just doesn't value his time or him. I gave him some advice and empathy, because I know he's been excited about it, and I want him to have that. Not a jot of jealousy. I've come a long way, but sometimes I remember just how silly emotions can be. I coped with my jealousy about the girls, laughed it off, and went on with life. It was really just a little hiccup. But it resonated for me the difference between now and when all this was first started. Hey, I might be growing!
Leo and I had a tense moment a couple of days ago. We took a little trip to our local bar for drinks. I was talking to him right before going to the bathroom about whether I felt as though I could have one more drink since I was driving, and I feel buzzed driving is as bad as drunk driving. When I came out of the bathroom, there was another drink, in a short glass instead of the tall glass I usually prefer. I sipped it and it tasted off, but I've been fighting a cold and can't taste things well with a stuffed up nose. However, before half the drink was done, I didn't feel drinking anymore of it would be a good idea if I didn't want to be buzzed before driving. When I persistently said no to drinking the rest of the drink, it was finally revealed that he thought it would be funny to get me a double. Good thing I didn't drink much of it.
He picked up on how upset I was immediately and started apologizing immediately. Still, I wasn't happy. I told him I have good judgement about my body and limits and he should trust it, then told him never to do that again. It doesn't do much for trust when something like that happens. It was juvenile, he meant no harm, and was obviously not thinking. I could forgive him, but from now on, I'm taking my drink with me to the bathroom. That was not cool. He's been stepping carefully since, because he realizes it was a violation of trust. Small things like that can build up into big problems if we aren't careful. I'm glad he's taking it seriously.
The best part of all this is that as Leo and I have improved in our communication with each other, my youngest child (7 years old) has been watching and learning. Not the deep, hard conversations of course, but the small stuff. He walked up to me this morning, hugged me, then said "I want to sit in your lap." I asked why, to which he replied, "I need extra lovings!" So I cuddled and kissed him, chatted with him, and made him giggle. Once he had enough loving from mom, he was off playing again. We've managed to craft a happy, healthy little family in unexpected ways.