Originally Posted by wildflowers
LR, do you know what GG needs to feel connected in a relationship, or to feel like the relationship is being maintained? Is he perhaps one of those people who seem to be able to be sustained simply by believing in their relationship, without much need to interact?
Nope. Not really. I know he is a quality time love language. I know that he spent over 10 years "waiting" for me. He was determined the day he met me that we were meant to be together. He spent two years convincing me "to at least take his virginity" so he wouldn't lose it to someone he would regret.
Everyone else referred to him as my puppy dog. He shadowed me everywhere (I wasn't dating him, wasn't sleeping with him and was adamant that we would only ever be "just friends" because I didn't want to destroy his sweetness). He was there in the background of every event in my life through several serious relationships on my part. He was in my wedding-walked the kids up the aisle. He got shit-faced drunk the night of my wedding and proceeded to tell Maca how in love with me he was. Maca and I basically carried him to a room in the hotel and got him settled into bed before going to our own room (VERY VERY PRE-poly).
So-without having actually asked; I would say yes he can sustain a relationship "all in his mind" without actually having anything to go on. For YEARS.
He's WELL aware, I can't. I don't do long-distance relationships. I don't do romantic relationships with people I can't live with. Even in a poly dynamic-if we can't live together, I'm not interested. Which he is WELL aware of.
If I were to guess; I think this "new found commitment to work" (because he used to be completely dis-interested in work beyond a requirement to buy groceries) has a LOT to do with competing with Maca.
I don't think he's CONSCIOUS that is what it is. But I think the change from secretly having an affair, to being upfront and honestly poly created a dynamic where he see's himself as having to "keep up with" Maca and be on an "equal playing field".
Maca is an electrician. He's a foreman journeyman. It's a career for him. He's been in the trade for... about 20 years. He makes a little over $40 an hour, company truck, company phone, company gas card, great benefits.
GG has no training. He trained to be a mold remediator-but he walked away from that job to help with the kids when our stepson was still here; and never looked back. The certification expired and he hasn't shown an interest in renewing it (he says he hated the work).
He got hired for the job he's in because he was well liked. He was a janitor for the school district and there was a big drama that changed the companies who handled all of that. They needed someone in the supervisor position who was well liked by the other employees, that could basically be the middle man from the "new bosses" to the original employees (employees who took a severe pay reduction and loss of benefits with the change over).
He makes $50K a year. Which is more than he's ever made in his life. It's still only half of what Maca brings home in a year. But it feels more comparable to him. He feels like he's "doing his part".
Additionally; he can't say no to save his life. He hates conflict and he won't argue. He quite literally will just let someone beat him. He won't fight back. So they make demands and he capitulates even if he doesn't want to, because he won't create conflict.
The combination is... well completely fucks over him having ANY life outside of work.
Finally; in January I quit micromanaging his schedule. I had been tracking his hours daily and ensuring that over the course of a two month period he AVERAGED 40 hours a week. When forced to choose between a battle with me OR a battle at work, he choose to put his foot down at work. But when I quit doing that; then it's only one battle he's focused on avoiding-work.
Again-that's totally his choice. I can see the pattern. But the reality is that I don't want the duty of enforcing he make time for the family or me or his friends. (I was scheduling his time so he would go see his friends as well-because otherwise he just works). If it's not meaningful enough for him to put his own foot down; then I don't want it.
His response to that is that he doesn't know what I want. It's been written and said ad nauseum. So in the last month my response has been to tell him to go read the most current book. I have *repeatedly* listed in it exactly what I want.
His response to that is that it's depressing to read, because we haven't been happy all year and he doesn't want to think about all of that
he "can't just quit" which goes right back to; but you aren't even LOOKING for another job and when you've had other opportunities; you didn't take them.
His words all say "I'm stuck and have no choice".
But it's not true. He does have a choice. He could find another job. He could have accepted several. He could put his foot down about his time. He could take control of his own calendar.
He doesn't WANT to.
He says and thinks "can't"
but the truth is it's all "want".