I'm spending the last night of 2013 at home with C, some telly and my knitting. The last couple of weeks of the year have been hard. I very much associate this time of year with death and dying and losing loved ones. I have shed many tears and felt lonely, anxious and sad for much of the holiday period.
Tonight I feel the sadness. I miss my dad and I miss my old love more than I can say. I also feel surrounded by love and care. I woke at 4am this morning, feeling anxious and sad. Couldn't get back to sleep so I got up. Did some reading, some knitting and then wrote on facebook about all the good things that have happened this year. Everything good and positive I could think of I wrote about. I talked especially about how lucky I've been to have shared so many good times with all of the wonderful people in my life. I invited my friends to write too - this is a hard time of year for lots of people and I know that I am not alone in my sadness.
Several of my friends wrote back to say that they were there. Some of them told me that they value me. That they believe me to be caring, compassionate and a benefit in their life. That I have good people around me because I behave in ways that attract those people. Others read and liked what I'd said. Some sent me hugs. One nearby friend got in touch and invited me to her house later in the week for dinner, chatting and some knitting.
I went to work and was reminded again of how caring the people around me are. I was there early - only 1 other colleague was in the office. He started conversation about how concerned he is about a friend of his who seems to be becoming depressed and is hiding away a bit. He cares enough to notice his friend's wellbeing and is concerned enough to talk about it - with me and with other shared friends.
The day became more light hearted and the few of us who were there in case of emergencies amused ourselves with jokes and funny stories as we kept an eye on the things we had to do and periodically reassured customers who were anxious that things will go well over the end of the year.
I spoke to my partner on the phone. He has a dreadful cold and sounded very ill. He knows how sad I've been feeling and how keen I was for company tonight and he offered to come to see me. I thanked him and told him that I thought he should stay at his own home in the warm and get more rest. Earlier in the week, I felt like I had to have him with me tonight and had asked him if he would make time for me. Knowing that he is there for me is enough it turns out.
We have made plans for me to visit him tomorrow evening instead. He promises me dinner, telly and lots of hugs and snuggles.
So I feel loved, cared for and content. Able to deal with any sadness that might arise tonight. C is here with me and the world is okay.
I have plans to run tomorrow morning, visit an old friend for dog walks and lunch later on and then head to my partner's in the evening.
I hope that everybody enjoys this last night of the year whatever you are up to.