Thread: Just LR
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Old 12-31-2013, 06:30 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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This is a shame. I'm sad for you.

I see a similar tendency in my mother. For reasons that I very much understand and empathise with, she has become very focused on herself and her own world. Her preference is to spend much of her time busy with household tasks. She makes lots of effort to see her grandchildren but each of us who are her children have noticed a clear cooling and her making less time for us.

She has always seen me as calm, capable and not in need of any help and has been consistently less available to me anyway. The last few years has seen that lack of availability escalate.

I can't and have no wish to control my mother. Her choices are her own to make and she must live her own life. I'm not horrible to her. I don't nag her. I keep up contact - I ring her a couple of times a week from work and see her maybe once a month usually when one or other of my siblings has arranged the event.

Her choice to consistently prioritise household tasks over spending time with me does, however, have consequences. I am equally not as available to her. I fill my time with my own things and with the people who I love who are there for me. I know that sometimes she feels upset about the lack of closeness - if she comments to me, I do point out to her that this is her choice.

I can't replace her in my life even if I wanted to and I feel deeply sad for her that she is in a place where household tasks seem more important than loved ones but I can't fix that for her.

She may or may not change now but we will never have the sort of close relationship that I see some of my friends having with their mothers. I don't have the time for that now and am unwilling to give up things to make that time. Plus - I have years of being seen as the steady, calm, capable, independent one in the family and that is pretty much how I am. Whether through nature or nurture (likely a combination of both), I have the skills to look after myself, to find new friends and groups of support from outwith my family and to maintain those friendships and support networks.

Sucks though to have a close loved one consistently choose not to prioritise the relationship to the point where it is damaged. I feel for you LR.

IP
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