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Old 12-31-2013, 05:13 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,653

Originally Posted by graviton View Post
I know this may sound selfish but in order to reduce the chance of problems and drama in your life why not just utilize your bisexuality as a tool to help smooth over your transition into (poly)? I think men are inherently more territorial and possessive of their partners and spouses. If you like women why not just find one and keep men off the table for now? It may be a double standard but you are treading on thin ice and it may be worth your while and keep things simple if you stay away from men for now.

There have been a number of discussions of this here (I know, I have participated in a few of them). A tag search for OPP (One-Penis-Policy) should yield a LOT of opinions on the topic (some with a fair amount of vitriole - take your grain of salt before you dive in ).

For me, I knew I was "poly" before I really understood that I was "bi" (or rather that bisexuality was a "thing" ).

For our first years together my husband was uncomfortable with the idea of me being more than "flirty friends" with men - which wasn't an issue for me for years and years and years. (I am not attracted to most men, it is a rare occurrence ... but that's a different post...but I am a mega-flirt ). For almost two decades there was no need to address this in any meaningful way (a few sanctioned "exceptions" here and there but nothing important). Then I fell for someone...a guy (Dude).

The transition was inelegant - I screwed up. Long-held perspectives had to be dragged out and re-assessed to see whether the underlying feelings/assumptions had changed. Once the "habitual reactions" had been peeled away (and the initial transgressions/mistakes forgiven) it turns out that they HAD. Do I wish that we had re-addressed things before things came to a head? You bet. Do I think that most people will have a perspective shift on this topic given time? No idea.


A few other thoughts with regards to the OP and the other posts -

1.) Probably a bad idea to be talking to guys on OKC before you and hubs have ironed out what the current boundaries are. You are already uncomfortable mentioning to him that you have been talking to this guy. Stop. The longer this goes on the worse it will be. Honesty is fundamental to any healthy relationship (poly or not). If you feel the need to "hide" something from your partner - something is off-kilter. Stop and figure it out. Now.

My personal recommendation. Stop communication with the other guy. ("Sorry, Dude. Something has come up and I can't continue talking to you right now. If it's possible in the future I might look you up again. But, if I don't, good luck and have a great life." Put the OKC profile on vacation, come absolutely clean with your guy and figure out what is actually feasible given everyone's needs/wants at the current time.

2.) Poly =/= Group sex. I think that a lot of people seem to tempt their partners into poly with visions of the possibility of erotic threesomes with "hot girl-on-girl" action. Don't get me wrong - personally, I am a fan. And, lucky for me, my two straight boys are not put off by other penises being present. But even for us (who share a house and a bed) the MFM/FMF threesome (or MFMF foursome!) is a rare occurrence (and special event!).

When you add more people to the mix the number of relationships multiplies (do a search for poly-math) but each dyad in the group needs the time/space to develop on it's own. We don't have relationships with configurations, we have relationships with individual people. One-on-one sex is a common way that dyads share intimacy and bond...just saying...

Gotta build your foundation before you start building a high-rise!
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 12-31-2013 at 05:17 AM.
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