I was hurt.
I was angry.
I am still confused.
But mostly at this point, I'm just tired.
Working on acceptance.
I am not generally mean or vindictive-so it's not hard to avoid being that way.
The hardest part is that I want to ask a million questions. But I already HAVE asked them and the answers don't match the actions. I've heard the answers repeatedly. He's talented at saying exactly what I would like to hear. But his actions are directly contradictory to his words.
So asking questions is a waste of energy.
I could psychoanalyze and guess as to why he's doing this that or the other thing. With 20 years of relationship, I have a pretty good idea of what drives him.
But the thing is-that it doesn't matter if I know what is driving him or not. It doesn't change anything.
I know he sucks at saying no.
I know he is a people pleaser.
I know he is a huge procrastinator.
I know that whatever is in his face is what gets the attention (squeaky-wheel concept) and everything else gets forgotten.
He is a 'put out the fire' person. But the idea of planning to avoid a fire starting-totally not him at all.
The bottom line though-is that I don't have the energy to FIGHT for his attention. I don't have the energy to fight his work schedule. I don't have the time either.
I was doing that. For a couple of years. But it is exhausting and tiresome. So I stopped. I need to focus my energy on taking care of myself. I don't need to be spending my energy on reminding someone that they need to not work 80+ hours a week with 40 of them being free. I need to not spend my energy begging for a date or an overnight that isn't interrupted by an employer.
Those things are his responsibility. If he wants to be able to date (anyone) he has to be willing to make the time to do that.
If he wants to be able to do anything except work, he has to put his foot down and do that.
He has to be a man, instead of a boy.
But-he doesn't want to do that. He's not there. So maybe he is sad and heartbroken that I'm not telling him what to do or demanding he do it. But we're not children. So if that's the type of relationship he wants; well he will have to make time to find someone who is willing to be his mother. Because I'm not going to do it.
"Love As Thou Wilt"