Thread: Just LR
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Old 12-30-2013, 07:47 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
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Default So-what happens?

I haven't said much about what has been going on with GG and I this year, because... well nothing has been going on. Not that there was no drama (which there wasn't), but that there has quite literally been NOTHING going on.
In January, we talked about how his choices regarding his job (not a career path-a job) were negatively impacting our relationship. Specifically; the supervisors take advantage of him and he allows it. He's paid salary, so regardless of hours worked, his pay doesn't change.
They press him to work more and more hours each week. He averages 60-80 hours a week. He works (in theory) m-f and is on-call for emergencies. He was hired to work 3pm-12am M-F and be on call for emergencies.But-he generally works 1pm-1 or 2 am 2-3 days a week and the others he goes in at 11am and works through until 1 or 2 am. Additionally he takes calls throughout the night and over the weekend. It's common for him to be gone dealing with work stuff at least one day over the weekend for 4-6 hours. It's not unusual for it to be both days at least one weekend a month.

That alone paints a clear enough picture of how tough it is for us to have ANY time together.
But when you add into it that I have class 2 days a week in the morning, so I leave at 6:45 am and return by 2 or 3 (depends on traffic) in the afternoon.
1 day a week the kids have class at 10am, so we're out the door by 9:45 am and not home until after 4.
The kids and I tend to be in bed between 8-10 pm (youngest at 8, me about 9 and oldest kiddo by 10). We're all up by 7am (except the days I have to be up at 5:30).
Basically; GG and I don't see each other at all.

In April we went as a family to Hawaii. I can't say even now what GG's issue was, but he was grumpy and moody and off in his own little world the whole two weeks. Maca made arrangements to take the boy out on a boat trip so GG and I could have a date day. GG was gloomy through the whole date. (I also had one date morning with Maca-we went snorkeling). GG spent a large amount of his time on the computer or watching movies on his own in another room of our condo. His mood was negative enough that Maca was wondering WTF was wrong with him and even Sour Pea-who is usually attached to his hip, was avoiding him.

Maca was working out of town all of May, July, all but 1 week in August, all but 4 days in September, all of October, all but 1 week in Nov. All of Dec until the 21st.

In ALL of that time; GG and I never got a date. We slept in the same room a half a dozen times.

In July, before I went to see Maca in Kodiak, I let GG know something had to give. He needed to make a decision about what his priorities were because I couldn't continue with things the way they were.
He assured me he was going to take the week I was gone to talk to supervisors and if they weren't going to lay off, he was going to get a different job. Keeping in mind-Alaska is NOT in a recession the way the rest of the country has been. We haven't had ANY issues with not having enough work. He COULD find another job relatively easily. He's had other job offers. But he LIKES working where he works.

Well-nothing changed. I had a long, deep heart to heart with myself about it. My conclusion was and is; that he has a right to make choices I don't like. He has a right to choose to commit himself to a job that takes advantage of him. He has a right to not prioritize time with me.
(In all of this he has coordinated his lunch breaks so that he can continue tucking in Sour Pea at night-and he does go through her chores and some school work with her in the mornings before he leaves-so she is not feeling neglected)
He has a right to live his life as he see's fit.
I don't have a right to control that.

I have a right to determine that I'm not going to be in a dating relationship with someone I can't have a date with for 9 months straight (not due to any unusual emergency situation). I have a right to not sit around waiting for him to be available to spend time with me. I have a right to not disrupt my sleep to go curl up in his room-when he isn't going to know I was there ANYWAY because he's exhausted from lack of sleep due to his work schedule. I have a right to not try to sleep in a room where a phone is going to be continually waking me up all night and the other person climbing in and out of bed, taking calls and going out to deal with work shit, throughout the night.

So-when I returned from my trip and it became evident after a week that nothing had changed; I altered my days/nights. I started taking the kids to the gym a few days a week-without worrying about "maybe today he will be home". I started sleeping in my own room every night (it's amazing what getting a good nights sleep EVERY NIGHT will do for a person). I quit asking about his work schedule. If he's here, he's here. If he's not, he's not. If I have plans, I write them on the calendar. But I don't plan on him participating-and then I don't get my feelings hurt when he is NEVER available.

AFTER Maca returned Dec. 21st GG noticed the changes.... he asked me if I was ok because I "seemed distant".
I reiterated (in a long version) what I have written here.
He got his feelings hurt because he didn't feel like I was being fair. His argument is "I NEED a job".
I didn't argue. He asked me what other option he had and I reminded him, when he asked me AND my sister that last January-we both told him he should devote an hour or two a week to searching for a BETTER FITTING JOB. Because they ARE out there and they ARE available. He did-for about 2 weeks and he FOUND several. But he wanted to "try to work things out" with the job he's in. Which is FINE-but it is HIS choice and it does have consequences.
Especially since-it hasn't been resolved.

He avoided me for a week or so. Then two days ago wrote me a letter saying he was sorry, he loves me and he understands why it was over. I didn't reply.
He then wrote me another yesterday asking me if I was playing certain music on purpose to hurt him (I wasn't). It was the new Pink album and I ALWAYS play it to put the grand baby to sleep. He likes it. I have been playing it for MONTHS on a daily basis. So the question was kind of silly-except I know it's just because he's FINALLY realizing that something significant has changed.
I didn't say a word to him about it-but to some degree I am disgusted by the fact that it took him SO FUCKING LONG to realize that something has changed.
Something significant enough for him to cry himself to sleep over, the last two nights... but he didn't notice it for almost 6 months.

Multiple times over the last 9 months Maca, seeing that I'm not happy with how things are going with GG, has tried to set up date times for GG and I. But GG hasn't made use of any of them. He's been supportive and understanding and tried to be helpful. He's finally started realizing that his attitudes affect everyone and that he can alter the way the family functions by small changes in how he communicates with us. It's resulted in him spending a LOT more quality time with everyone when he is around (he was gone TOO MUCH).
Since he's been back, he's made a point of spending a good portion of every day with the family, including one on one time with each child and me. He's helped with babysitting the grand kids and spent time hugging and loving on them. He's tried to engage GG as well.
But he noticed QUICKLY that GG is never around. He was disconcerted by it-he had listened to me say it many times before-but he wasn't here. He was a bit baffled and upset by the fact that while he was gone; I was basically on my own with the kids-because GG has been LOST in the world of his job. He can't comprehend why GG wouldn't have taken advantage of the opportunity to spend more time with me-even taken some of his vacation time from work-because Maca was gone AND he was making enough extra $ working out of town-that GG could have lost his job and our income wouldn't have dropped from it's normal level..... (he gets paid vacation time anyway-so that wasn't an issue-but the point is the same).

It's been baffling. I haven't really talked to anyone because it's too complicated to explain.
Are we fighting? No
Is he moving out? No
Is either of us looking to date someone else? No

How do you explain "nothing is happening". Literally; nothing.....
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