All true Mags.
I went along with the deception with the lies with Prof because it suited me, it was getting one over on the rules and regulations, thrilling. Don't like it being done to me though. Hypocrisy.
I have never acted like this before. I will reread my blog myself. I haven't done before because I know I won't like what I read.
Prof made promises, rules being dropped, renegotiated, she broke them so he could break them and so on. I still have the texts, remember the conversations. I wanted to make it work so much that I compromised my integrity. I wanted a successful relationship, blinded myself to the the lack of follow through on the promises. It was fun, exciting, many new things, I loved it, the fun outweighed all else. Selfish.
Being distracted by a new and shiny thing is a flippant comment. It doesn't reflect the amount of thinking and processing that I have been doing. I am really looking hard at what I have done and been a party to. It's hard, it's painful.
I did stop communicating through the other account. It was never my intent to do that. They both reached out to me, spun the same lines they gave me before. My best attempts at finding out the truth were met with lies in person, they unintentionally came clean online.
I have good strong relationships with my family and friends. I am a good, involved, loving parent. I am excellent at my work. But when it comes to relationships with men, I lose direction and focus, I am easily swayed. I lose faith in my own opinions and thought processes.
I lost a lot of myself in my marriage and popped out the other side looking to find the old me through seeking validation and approval. That is so obvious in how I relate to Kip. "Tell me what to do?" He is like my ex. Forceful, domineering, I have returned to what is familiar and to some degree comfortable.
But unlike my ex, Kip has always been there when I needed him. Not turned down a request to talk and support when asked. The man has sat through me sobbing my heart out on more than one occasion, celebrated successes. Encouraged my Master's application, helped with assignments, helped out financially, dealt with my communication explorations and I have opened myself up to him more than I posted about. He is patient and kind with me.
I read about people on here moving past cheating, taking the opportunity to build communication. He has come clean about the future, not the past. I sense relief in him. I am leaning, learning, learning.
I am trying to look forward. Take note of what the past year has shown me. I have made mistakes, many.
I am still unclear of how and why to let a relationship go. Sometimes it is easy to see, sometimes it is not. Is what I have been experiencing kind of normal? Trying hard to make it work in some cases, not trying in others.
Me: 40s female
Prof: 50s male.
Kip: 50s male.